As per usual, my energy is scattered due to severe disorganization. I actually tend to be an organized person by nature, but I organize in spurts which are followed by a steadily gathering layer of chaos. My chaos has reached such a level that it’s interfering with my ability to manage my time efficiently, which Continue reading →
Weird Feelings
2 June 2008 By 4 Comments
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed a number of timely developments in my circumstances that I would call synchronicity if I only had a better handle on it all. I mentioned that I started schema therapy about 6 weeks ago; this has generated a lot of back-burner thought processing and semi-conscious contemplation that, Continue reading →
Channel a Letter, Sheta
20 April 2008 By Leave a Comment
Raiding the archives for tasty bits, again. I’m in the midst of preparing the Beltane issue of Rending the Veil, so most of my attention is otherwhere this weekend (and will be in the week to come). However, due to the boooooring blogger-focused crap I’ve been posting lately, I felt that an injection of on-topic content was necessary. Meridjet has been awol for at least the last week; I have no idea what’s up with that, so for now it must be archival content.
From 20 October 2003:
Early yesterday evening, the pain of the Process started coming up again, and I was all despondent about it because lately when the Process comes up, Meridjet contact goes down (well, except for him being a general asshole). However, he decided to
Gushy, Whiny, Embarrassing Mess
4 April 2008 By Leave a Comment
This is one of many formerly private letters I wrote to Meridjet over the years. Don’t read it if you’re easily discomfited by gushing or whining or anything overly emotional, because this makes even me cringe and hide my head under a pillow. 
Hence, another non-helpful cut tag. This letter is from an archival post dated 13 October 2003. You might’ve read in an earlier post how he told me not to say, “I love you,” without feeling it; he didn’t want it to be automatic.
Archives: Processing and Pain
4 April 2008 By Leave a Comment
I noticed yesterday that my posts with cuts (or at least the most recent one) seem to hit the RSS feed without a link, so goody for you folks reading the feed, I guess. But I am still using a cut tag here, because it allows me to pretend there’s something like security on this post, which in turn allows me to lower the overall embarrassment effect when I think of people seeing this. 
Archival Post – Kinky
2 April 2008 By Leave a Comment
My Train Has Jumped the Tracks
15 February 2008 By Leave a Comment
(This is crossposted from a semi-private journal, which is what the first two lines below refer to.)
I haven’t posted in this journal much, so far. Usually when I post here, it’s with deep thought type stuff or really involved memories. This is pure depression with a lot of confusion mixed in.
As some of you probably know, last weekend there were worldwide protests against Scientology. Scientology is something I’ve been familiar with in one way or another for as long as I can remember. I took their stupid “personality test” in Seattle in 1994 or 1995. I declined further involvement and smelled ‘cult’ right away. When I moved here, they found me, and I still get mail from them. I got a card about a week ago. They all
Sex and Memories
13 February 2008 By Leave a Comment
In a post from 21 August 2003, I was listing things from even further in the past that I had been discussing with Don in chat. A bullet list, as it was posted:
- One time during sex, Meridjet and I spontaneously switched genders. I could physically feel the change in my body and the experience of sex as a male. It went on for a few minutes, and I consciously chose to return to normal, and then tried to switch again but was unable. Should have waited for the orgasm… Don speculates that we were so close, we occupied the same space, or something.
- Meridjet does good healing. He used to take me into past abuses, sexual ones, and we’d ‘relive’ it mentally, while he replayed the part of
A Short Post on Opening
7 February 2008 By 2 Comments
I’ve been busy cleaning house today (well, yesterday, more accurately), trying to get a lot of work done while my roommate is out of town. I haven’t been to sleep yet but I’m heading that way momentarily. I wanted to post a quick archival post from August 19, 2003, so that the blog wouldn’t go without a post for the night.
This post contains potential TMI of a sexual nature, so I’m going to put in a cut. You can read the bulk of it by clicking the link. Also, please ignore the lousy writing. I am tempted to clean it up but I try to leave my archives as they were originally written. I consider it more honest.
Islands in the Stream of Consciousness
4 February 2008 By 2 Comments
The degree to which every person is a proverbial island impresses me more deeply every year, I think. Perhaps it is so blatant and frakkin’ horrible to me because I’ve had the blessing of a telepathic and empathic link with another being, in my relationship to Meridjet. Every year of my life that passes finds me more skeptical than the year before about the possibility of ever finding another person who understands me and who won’t at some point abandon me. I have an intricate history of searching. Let me tell you a little about it. (Old friends of my various journals may be somewhat familiar with some of the things I’ll be saying in this post.)
Not sure where to begin, but why not throw caution to the wind
One Past Leads to Another
4 February 2008 By Leave a Comment
Today’s look at the archives brings us a short post from the midst of doubt:
“August 15, 2003 — I still haven’t had any contact. Yesterday I was having a fat day. I felt really fat all day. lol Today I’m having a crazy day. I feel like I’ve lost my mind, and he is a figment of my imagination. Never mind the numerous little ‘proofs’ I’ve had; those lose their effect in time. I also know that if it were all in my head, there wouldn’t be all these damn breaks in contact… 
But, none of this matters in the face of doubt. New contact needed, preferably with something unexpected so that I can feel all validated and safe again. heh.”
Doubt is its own particular kind of hell
