According to evidence, I haven’t updated this blog since late October. I was very busy until the end of the year, and New Year’s Eve was the quietest I’ve ever had. All through January and partway into February, I pulled away from everything and went silent, including to friends and family, as much as I could get away with (which was a lot). This month my roommate got laid off; we have been short-tempered at times because of the pinch, and because of our uniquely individual responses to it, which are not in perfect harmony and eventually have to clash. But we have 30 years (ikr? Imagine how I feel about that.) and many of those under the same roof, and we mesh better than most. We weather bad moments and let them go. And when things get really bad and challenge even the closest relationships, we (so far) commit to seeing it through because we each have faith in the other. It’s just too bad he’s gay and not my type.
Moving on. So we feel the pinch and we’ve responded to it differently — me by opening up to new clients and thinking of creative ways to pull in local dollars, such as signs in my car and on the roadside offering tarot readings and “Party Psychics.” I need to invest in some gasoline and nicer signs, wash/wax the car, and drive around Houston all day. My only nibbles have come from there. We could maybe paper cars with flyers in Montrose (the Alt part of town) and they’d be willing to hand them out at Magick Cauldron. We are also considering investing some tax money into a small selection of vapor/smoke shop products and going to some pagan gatherings this summer — one to start with, to see if it seems worth it. Maybe we’ll get lucky and be able to do a small circuit. (All the Ren faires are booked probably for next year by now, alas.) We basically just want to do a test run. If anyone has any advice, including what to include, speak up. My roommate, for his part, is again determined to get his job back. He’s found another ray of hope, so we’ll see. I hope so because much as I try to, I’m the wrong person to think of all the right things to do for someone in pain.
I’ve had a couple of blows to my self-esteem in the past week, also. I’ll mention XYZ event as it glides by, leaving me bleeding in this or that spot. I’ve been around long enough (har har, yesterday was my birthday, yippee, it wasn’t a great day) to know not to take such things personally so in a day or two it will cease to matter. Being blows, though, they were unexpected, and it takes a moment or two to get my wind back afterward. Random question: Anyone ever notice just how pervasive Tolkien is in Led Zeppelin’s music?
Anyone who remembers my LiveJournals knows that journaling for me has always been a catharsis, allowing me to perform several functions necessary to emotional stability (I’m bipolar, remember). Articulating my thoughts and feelings has the following benefits:
- My stress level first rises, but then it drops — particularly when there are supportive comments left in response to the post. (LiveJournal was good for that sort of thing, if you were patient enough and joined some communities, and weren’t silent. I swear the worst thing to say in an intro is that “I’ve had some cool stuff happen, and if you have any questions, just ask,” because no one wants to drag the stories or information out of you. You have to volunteer it, and in an engaging way.)
- I begin to work through the crisis on a more conscious and deliberate, less panicked and reactionary, level.
- I gain validation from the people who reply (when they feel moved to do so), as well as occasional valuable advice.
- It was instrumental in not only meeting many people who are dear to me, but in learning how to find alternate means of dealing with my emotional overloads without burdening the people I cared about.
- Finally, it was a tool in Meridjet’s work with me and in the evolution of other tools.
Now I have this public journal and I keep coming back to the same dilemma, which seems to have two sides:
1A. To be successful or a professional anything, you must be a diplomat and a crafty politician with a solid streak of self-preservation (read: anti-compassion). You must keep secrets and use them at the right times.
1B. I find it extremely difficult to function in any situation in which there are unspoken issues or problems that need to be aired, analyzed, and addressed (not used as weapons).
2A. To be successful or a professional anything, you can never let them see you sweat, cry, rage, regret, or otherwise emote in any manner that does not convey Enthusiasm! and Wealth!
2B. I emote a lot, because it’s part of being who I am. I expose a lot of information about myself that makes family members uncomfortable, because other family members might see it and, well, you know how families are. But I have tried, and I don’t have it in me to be plastic and pretend and all about the facade. Sorry, I go a little deeper.
I have no idea wtf to do about it, except stumble through, lose people because I’m not cool enough or because exposing me to new mediums without preparation leads to disaster… nevermind. I’m emoting too much, and I’m tired. So I’ll see you guys on the flipside, I guess. Eventually.