My situation grows increasingly dire, financially, and there are no solutions. I am vacillating between crime and suicide, not because I want to do either, but because something must happen or my family will not make it. I am shifting over to the perspective that there is no hope, and it will never change, and I am completely fucking useless to fix it. I can’t make $20, let alone the $500 it’s going to take to get back in the green. Allegedly, I have this great talent that everybody envies or wants to utilize, but it certainly isn’t making me any money. I’m not trying to be greedy here. I just want to live a normal life.
My roommate has been losing it for the last two days, throwing a fit just about every moment he’s not sleeping — which he’s doing a lot of, trying to avoid reality. I’ve been barely holding it together, because everyone can’t freak out at once, right? Someone has to function, to try to think up solutions. But the later it gets, the harder it gets to hold on, and I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. At least if I left, or something, nobody would have to worry about me anymore. I could be out of the equation, and everyone would be happier. I don’t know what else to do.
I’m so fucking terrified, if I thought it would do any good, I’d pray for a miracle, like Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life. His entire town came to his rescue, to show him that life is wonderful, but that isn’t going to happen to me. So what’s the fucking point, seriously? I am so scared. I have nothing of value to hock, I already tried and all my electronics are too old.
I’m open to suggestions. Otherwise, there’s a distinct possibility that sometime in the next month or so, I will vanish from the ‘net and you’ll just have to get along without me.