How to Tell if Your Spirit Friend is Real

How to Tell if Your Spirit Friend is Real

I see you!

The number one concern that my clients, friends, and acquaintances share regarding their spirit companions is whether or not these spirits are real, and how to verify that reality. Doubt, being its own special hell, can attack from various directions: Doubt that the spirit is real. Doubt that he is who he says he is (especially in the case of soulbonds). Doubt that you’re perceiving accurately. Doubt for your sanity. And they each play off the others — when one doubt doesn’t get to you, another will. Doubt can leave for a while, but it always seems to come back, at various levels of intensity. Some are tolerable, and others can be nightmarish.

In my work, I help people with each of these issues as needed. Most of the time, all that is really needed is the support of an understanding person and a little encouragement. I can also help with discernment, but that is not the topic of this post. We’re going to talk about the reality of spirits and how to know if your spirit is real.

Reality, defined

First of all, we have to define reality. We Westerners tend to think of reality as something that can be verified by one or more of the five senses, or possibly as something measurable and quantifiable. “This chair is real. I can touch it. I can sit in it. It is measurable.” This definition of reality is useless in any conversation involving metaphysics, because by nature metaphysical reality is not measurable nor verifiable by our usual spectrum of senses. Skeptics, like the Amazing Randi (har har), will tell you that this is the end of the argument: There is no such thing as metaphysical reality. Period. But we disagree, so next we come to a philosophical perspective.

Reality, in a philosophical sense, is “something that exists independently of ideas concerning it (, retrieved today.).” This is much more useful, and much more in line, I think, with the concerns of my clients. Did the spirit exist before you gained contact with it, or is it a manifestation of your psyche, created to fulfill some need? If it did exist, what are its origins? Where does it live? How did it find you? Questions like these plague individuals in the spirit companion communities. With regard to soulbonds in particular, there’s the whole additional conundrum of “Does this spirit exist in an alternate universe that was perceived by a writer, or did the spirit begin to exist as an egregore because of the written work?”

What is a Spirit?

From where I’m sitting, a spirit is an apparently independent manifestation that makes contact with a living person or persons. Spirits can take infinite forms and expressions, from mythological beings such as fairies all the way to your common garden-variety ghost. Most of them fall somewhere between these two markers, and those I help with usually involve themselves in intelligent communication with their human contact. Via chatting with the person, I can begin to perceive the spirit in that person’s space (or aura, if you prefer) and extrapolate information about the spirit. This is one way in which I aid my clients.

The origins of the spirit manifesting in someone’s life are of real concern to most people, particularly if they have an iota of discernment and are willing to be skeptical of their own experiences. (When a potential client is not interested in practicing discernment, it becomes difficult to help them, as they want to believe that every little event is spirit-based.)

(Here I paused, and wrote the rest of this out by hand.)

While it is important and necessary to weigh your experiences and perceptions on an ongoing basis, the key word in the above paragraph is “apparently.” There are general criteria, and I’m happy to provide a bullet list before making my final points.

General Criteria for a “Real” Spirit

Be aware that by providing this list, I am not pronouncing judgment on any spirit’s intent. In other words, none of these criteria are specific to “good” spirits or “evil” spirits. They’re pretty much across the board.

  1. Spirit does not conform to your expectations of behavior. It has its own opinions, viewpoints, and preferences.
  2. Spirit surprises you in things it says or does. By this, I mean you shouldn’t even be thinking of the spirit at the time. This type of surprise includes off-the-cuff remarks out of the blue and random hugs while waiting in line at the bank. (Believe it or not, it is possible to feel, and be surprised by, a hug from a spirit. Rather than physical touch, it is more internal and feels like a distinctive infusion of presence wrapped in warmth.)
  3. Via your interaction with said spirit, your ability to perceive progresses (though sometimes progress can seem like backsliding) and you gain gradual understanding of the process of maintaining and developing that link.
  4. This is a good test, especially during periods of weak or no contact, when doubts are starting to take hold. Take a few moments during an off period and deliberately fantasize about your spirit companion. It is important not to use a memory, but to create something that is pure fantasy. The fantasy will feel flat and empty. When contact resumes, the feeling of that real presence will overwhelm you. You’ll know the difference, because there is no comparison.

Criteria that Don’t Weigh on a Spirit’s Reality

  1. It doesn’t matter who first approached whom. Spirits that approach first do not automatically gain extra reality points.
  2. A spirit’s name and/or face are not indicative of the reality of that spirit. There are times when a spirit will adopt a guise that you’re receptive to, until a day (if ever) when you’re ready to move on from that. It does not make the spirit less real. Any well known face or name comes with an egregore. This egregore is capable of:
    1. manifesting lots of copies of that spirit to send wherever needed;
    2. supplying a great deal of collective energy to any spirit riding or using that image.

    This is not to pass judgment on any soulbonds who are invested in their realities of origin. This brings me to my final points.

I’ve worked with a great many people who have spirit companions or soulbonds. I’ve listened to a great many individual views of reality. Besides the general need to feel valid (which is the true cause of all the debate on reality), the most consistent quality I see among spirit workers is the ability to allow their paradigms to evolve. The more you can allow yourself to reinterpret past events based on new information without passing judgment on your prior concepts, the easier your path will be. By doing this, you retain objectivity without boxing yourself in with rigid, unchanging rules dictating what’s real.

Ultimately, a spirit is real if it affects you or your life. Evidence has a way of presenting itself, regardless of how a spirit came to be. Is it from an alternate reality? Clearly, it can’t be perceived in this one. Is its reality really, truly true? We will never know for certain, not during this lifetime. There’s little point agonizing over it. The subtle realities — the astral — are vast and fluid. They’re limitless. Regardless of when it was created, that spirit is real and, now, so is its home. Is it all in your head? Everything you experience, in any reality, is experienced via the processes of your brain, so it’s all in your head. The effects are the same, and there are no invalid effects. So let go, and spare yourself the agony.

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.


  1. Always value and appreciate the information you provide. Look forward to more from you on this topic.

  2. Inspirational messages embedded in this post. Thank you for sharing this great information!

  3. <3<3<3 so much. Thank you for this!!

  4. Thank you Thalia I learned new things from your post and I always love that.

  5. I can’t understand about the expectations part. Is it OK for me not to expect for them to be real, but then they’re real anyhow? Also, I don’t understand about when you said: “manifesting lots of copies of that spirit to send wherever needed;” because I don’t know about where they have to be needed for me to send them there?

    • You don’t have to worry about the manifesting copies – that is something a spirit does on its own, if needed, without any intervention from you. :)

      What the stuff about the expectations of reality means is that you have to practice discernment, which comes down to (A) not accepting everything you perceive as automatically paranormal, and (B) not closing your mind so tightly that you can’t adjust to new experiences. As to whether spirits are really and truly real, that’s a matter of belief more than anything, since it has traditionally proved difficult to produce any hard evidence that spirits exist. But whether they’re real or not… something is certainly happening that behaves for all manner and purposes like a spirit.

  6. Thank you for such a great post. Soooo informative! It helped me understand a lot more about the SC.

  7. I met El, my lovely kitsune in dreams and vision and I dont know if its real. One says it is, the other says it is not. It is sad to be imaginative. I dont know if it is a living spirit.


  1. […] intense. When nothing comes, I doubt. Did I force it? Did I imagine it all? I have performed the fantasy test and fantasies fall very flat when compared to the gut-punch of these interactions. Trust. It always […]

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