Rethink Required

Rethink Required

I think I need a hug.

I have come to the reluctant conclusion that concerts are bad for me. I’ve been to three in the last two years, and they always leave me feeling depressed and emotionally volatile, as if they’ve exposed some secret emptiness that I wasn’t aware of til after the show… which then becomes this gaping maw that I fall into, weary and exhausted and unable to see how any of it was worth it.

Don’t get me wrong: the shows are great, and I enjoy them. Tonight, thanks to my friend Tina who gave me two tickets, I saw KISS at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo™. Edit to Add: I went with my daughter, and we sat apart from the others. Never even saw them, in fact. /edit It was a good concert, if shorter than I expected (and they always are, now). I had fun. Until it was time to leave. Then, tired, sweaty, with sore feet and so much farther to go to reach the car, I crash. And it has an uncomfortably high chance of making me impossible to be around.

Tonight, I got online even though I knew I shouldn’t. I got on because I promised Mel I would (and then, naturally, he never showed). I upset a friend, pretty severely, by trying to support her side of an argument (with someone else) when she was trying to build a compromise — because I only ended up being rabidly unbending and in paraphrasing him back to her, I made it worse. I’m sorry. I really am. Because I had no business entering into an emotional discussion and I should have had the sense to know better. I did not intend to upset you (her), and I apologize.

Then I jumped all over my brother’s shit because he was there, hanging out with friends, and wouldn’t meet me after the show. I left, feeling snubbed and more than a little paranoid about walking through downtown to my car from the train — after he had said he’d walk me to my car (parked at his apartment). Instead, he went to the rodeo after-hours club (whatever that is) and saw KISS hanging out. I got pissed, cuz meeting the band after a show is a tradition for me, and I haven’t done it since I started going to shows again. So we argued and he’s not real happy with me, either.

So here I sit, fully aware that I just caused a bunch of problems that should never have happened, and feeling like shit about it. Yet the temptation to feel petty and sulk is strong, which is really, really unusual for me. It is very hard to take the high road when you’ve just amply demonstrated your ability to act like a fucking asshole. I’m trying to swallow it, because I deserve the fact that she went offline, upset, while I was afk, and that my brother dismissed me via text message, canceling our plans for tomorrow. I deserve being left in my bitter stew, but I don’t have to like it. :P

What I’m uncertain about is why going to a concert leaves me feeling pathetic and unwanted, or as I put it to my brother, “I guess I’m not cool enough to hang out with your friends.” Go Sheta! Score one for the Can I Please Go Back and Do This Over? files! Knowing that this is all my fault, right now, doesn’t do anything to tell me why I did any of it in the first place. And it hurts, it does. Goddamn it.

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

Comments

  1. Aw, hon… At the risk of sounding too trite here–I’m only being brief because I’m on my way to bed–I think you’re much, much too hard on yourself. Maybe being around a lot of people is tiring you out, eh? And you need some re-charging time after? Everyone has moments when they don’t quite do what they wish they had. It’s okay to be human. We likes you even still. ;)

  2. Oog. I really wish I could have made it to the show with you. Sounds like you had an epic night, for good or ill. Besides, She’s right. Everyone’s gonna have days like that. Try to not stress over it too bad. Just give it a few days and then maybe try to smooth things over with your bro and friend.

  3. Large crowd of energetic youth packed in a small space plus one who is sensitive to subtle energies equals instability? (this is only opinion. I hope I’m not being stupid. >~<)

  4. I agree with skweedoo, you are just more sensitive PLUS i know one of the things about concerts that is frusterating is that a lot of times you have a bunch of people that are of like mind and have a lot of the same beliefs ect… but no one is talking, instead everyone is just drinking and smoking…. Sheta, you probably go there not just for the music but because you want to connect with other people in a postive way and then when that doesn’t happen you end up feeling lonely and empty.

    • That is a very astute observation, and I think that’s a big part of it. It makes a great deal of sense. I felt that, but hadn’t succeeded in putting it into words so succinctly. thanks!

  5. I just came by this blog/site by chance and i doubt i will be on here much more. sheta you should add me to your facebook if you have one.

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