The Otherkin Problem

The Otherkin Problem

Sparkly vampire!

For the first time in at least a year and probably more like 2, I’m Processing something heavy. I’ve attempted to ignore it and brush it under the rug, and previously when these feelings emerged I was able to do that. This time, not so much. Worse, it’s become apparent to me that there are long-standing issues that intertwine with my disillusionment this year, issues I previously ignored so successfully that I didn’t realize they were anything more than idle curiosity. That’s what makes this post, and this Process, so hard.

I’ve been in the place of “I wish this had happened to someone else” a time or three before. I’m sure you have, as well. But in the average person’s life, those types of situations usually fall within the realm of the realistically credible. I wish I could say the same. In fact, that’s really the whole problem. I don’t want this thing, thank you very much. Please give it to someone who’d be happy to have it. I know they exist. :P

I’ve discussed here on many occasions my lifelong, compulsive search for the perfect friend, the “I would die for you” type of friend who is so close that it’s always tragedy to see that friendship severed (in movies, of course). I’ve discussed recently my realization that I was copping out by blaming this obsession on my 7th house sun (astrology), which clearly shows a propensity for this trait in its natives. I’ve discussed my growing awareness of how this search affects my friendships with people, with my unfairly auditioning potential fits and getting too close too quickly. But this, apparently, is just the tip of the iceberg.


It started with Avatar. Or, rather, I thought it did. In my review of the movie, I wrote about the “found belonging” that Jake experienced when he met the Na’vi while inhabiting his avatar. The bond the Na’vi have with everything on their planet, in particular with their dragon-like mounts, moved me deeply. Contrasting this profound beauty, of course, were the brutality of the Marine commander and the corporation greedy for the mineral found on Pandora. To me, at the time, the beauty of the bond inherent in Pandora represented my idealistic hope, and the brutality and greed represented the cynicism that surrounds us every day in our lives on Earth. Everybody’s all about the bottom line, about gaining ground no matter what the cost or whom it hurts. The only goals worth pursuing are those that make you “successful” and nudge you up the ladder of fame, glory, riches, or at least the most respect in your little pond. Which avenue you take to those successes (or treasures, if you want the truth of it) depends on what you’re good at — whether that be intellect, beauty, strength (and the violence that accompanies strength), or pure deviousness.

Digression: I’ve never been a success at anything that other people value — and by other people, I’m referring to “normal” people, people who value these successes and can’t measure worth any other way. I’ve never seen the attraction of these goals, except as tools to buy what I do value — the space and time to pursue the far more spiritual things that make my existence here tolerable. I’ve never pursued these goals except on my own terms, via spiritual expression and its associated passions. I am an introvert. I can’t sell water to a man in the desert (because I suck at sales, and anyway I’d probably just give it to him). I feel like I’m deceiving people when I try to sell them things, unless it’s something they’ve come into a store to buy anyway. /digression

So, when I saw Avatar, I cried, both during and immediately after the movie. (This hasn’t happened since The Crow, incidentally.) It underlined for me the long-held belief that I truly do not belong in this world. I can’t comprehend the type of human being who can let money or . . . something uglier, cruel . . . dictate his actions and never think twice about the consequences. “What consequences? We won! What’s so wrong with that?” And it’s only ever been the deeply seated belief that people are essentially good and compassionate and fair that kept me sane and able to function in a world that looks all too much like Pandora — the strong, powerful people have no regard for anything other than their bottom line, and the rest of us, the ones who do care, get the shaft as the world falls apart around us. We do our best each day just to keep going, and we only accomplish that by pretending none of it can ever affect us directly. (This is what the World Trade Center attacks woke up in Americans in general — the fear that we were wrong to believe it can’t touch us, and the understanding that there isn’t jack shit any of us can do about it.) Without that faith or hope or illusion that we aren’t completely wasting our time with our heads up our asses in a world that is pure brutality, what purpose can there be in going on?

This fear and understanding, this knowledge, is a feeling I managed to put away after 9/11, but it left behind a residue. It rendered me defenseless, without a shield to block out the little daily cruelties that constantly bombard us on the news. I’ve always had trouble with violence, but after this, if I heard the details of a child murder, I was sobbing and hyperventilating. I can’t watch the news. I can’t talk politics very long, or be around people of a severely bigoted nature. I can’t be exposed to too much social or political reality at once, or it destroys another little piece of me inside. This is pertinent, so I hope you’re still reading. ;)

Moving on. . . So after seeing Avatar in January, I took a few days, wrote a review that expressed the things I was feeling at the time, and let it go. I thought that was the end of it. Then a few nights ago, we watched How to Train Your Dragon. And it happened again.

I think it must have been the similarity to Avatar that took me back to that feeling, hitting me broadside with a most unexpected force. The boy, on his first dragon ride, and the majesty of it. The Vikings, with their age-old tradition of killing dragons so ingrained into their culture that to take it away would leave them adrift and without a central focus. The overall conflict, and the genuine tension awaiting the resolution you know is coming (it’s a children’s movie, okay?). And I almost had to get up and walk away, so intently wounded I was at the very idea of the coming battle and the misunderstanding that drove it. I managed to watch it, but my mood grew darker and darker as I did. The pain was awake, raw, and screaming. And my response to it, even in the midst of feeling it, was confusion and a need for it to just . . . go away and leave me alone. I’ve never been one to decline a Process before. But I didn’t want to know.

And finally, after several hours, and a few attempts to articulate it to friends (Christina, Mel), it went away. The attempts to talk about it were not particularly successful, because I was horrified at the feelings and their apparent source. Not making any sense? Well, wait for it. First I have to back up, and I promise not to do this again. I vacillated between telling the story as it unfolded (which is rather back and forth as realizations emerge) and as succinctly as possible, but when have you ever known me to be succinct? ;) Seriously, I wanted to preserve as much chronology as I could for when I view this entry in the future, to protect my own memory. Know what I mean? But now I will make an effort to be succinct, but I warn you — it’s still going to get long(er).

Despite my idealism, however, I am a skeptic, and this is a well-known fact. I had enormous struggles with doubt for well over two years when I first met Meridjet, in spite of the plain reality of the situation and the witnesses involved. I have been in this relationship for 16 years now, and have had my paradigm stretched and even shattered many times before. But through it all, the one thing I’ve held fast to is my need to be grounded in reality even while learning that this Earthly reality is only one expression in a multi-dimensional multiverse of infinite possibility. This skepticism has been both a blessing and a curse — a blessing because it keeps me credible to my audience (even before I knew I had one), and a curse because I have resisted many of those paradigm stretches far past the point where it was obvious I was missing something that was dancing right in my face.

It took years to realize, for instance, that the “shared fantasies” and other interaction I had with Meridjet were astral — “astral” being the word we English-speakers use as an umbrella term for “another level of reality than this one, accessible via thought, but no less real.” I resisted this understanding for years, because to me you had to leave your body to visit other realities, and even then they were just like this one, only we were unconscious when we experienced them. ;) The spirit world was just a big, gray nothing and didn’t have anything in it that could be tangibly experienced. When I interacted with Meridjet (other than the shared fantasies), it was here, on this plane, even though he obviously wasn’t. The idea of other worlds and other bizarre laws of physics existing was ridiculous. Once I got used to our mental interaction being astral, then came the understanding that other, bizarre worlds do exist, and I can go there, if I open to them. Then came the idea of astral or spirit children, something I’d heard about from various people over the years, but without buying into it. I accepted that their reality was their reality, and there was no reason for it to have any effect on me whatsoever. But then, years later, Meridjet’s reaction to someone else’s astral child melted my resistance (over a course of months), and eventually he talked me into making babies with him.

My experience with astral children is something I’ve never discussed on this blog, though I did on LJ at first, for a while. Some of the reactions I got from people — including people who believed shit I thought was nuts — dissuaded me from being open about them. So it’s not discussed, because I have a need to be credible. And after a couple of years, I more or less lost that connection to my astral home — something I invested a lot of time into — and my kids there. This horrifies me, even as I can’t do anything about it. Meridjet keeps trying to tell me that we can shift time and there’s no reason I have to miss any of their growing up at all, but so far I have resisted that idea, as well.

During the span of four or five years in which all of these paradigm stretches occurred, I learned about Otherkin, soulbonds, and the like. Otherkin, for those unfamiliar, are people who believe that a part of them has a non-human expression, either on astral or here. Some believe their soul is another species altogether. Others feel a strong affinity with their totem animal and it calls to their spirit so strongly that it must be expressed somehow. (I’m not overly clear on how that works, for the record.) Others believe that they have past lives as other species. These species range from animals we’re familiar with to mythological beings such as dragons and elves. Some even believe that they have that species in their physical lineage (as in some elf-kin). This sounds pretty bonkers to the layman, and I completely understand that. But I’ve known many, many people I trusted who identified as otherkin.

Soulbonds are a related phenomena. A soulbond is a spirit who manifests as a fictional character, often from an anime or a video game. Popular soulbonds include Legolas from Lord of the Rings and Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII. However, sometimes people believe they themselves are characters from movies or video games. At least some of these people are called “Otakukin,” though I’m unclear if an Otakukin is limited to a Japanese characterization or if it’s a general label for all soulbond-otherkin types. Allow me to elaborate with regard to Otakukin I’ve known in my years of paradigm stretching. I’ve known a person who explained to me patiently how he’d never believed in soulbonds until one came to him, who then grew to believe he was also a character in the same anime as his soulbond. He now believes he is a Youkai — a Japanese demon prince or something like that — hatched from an egg. You can see, maybe, why I have always chosen to believe it was true for him, but have never actually believed it was fact. I have known people who believe they are characters from Final Fantasy. I was, for a while, very close friends with Selene from Underworld, who was the soulbond of a girl I barely knew. (Some soulbonds share the “front,” or control of the body, while the original owner is unconscious of this — or not. These are called “multiple systems.”) Whether or not she was truly Selene from another, similar world in the multiverse was immaterial to me. She was a good friend, and I accepted her at her word. This is how I tend to approach things that are outside the realm of my personal experience — I accept that you believe it, and while I neither dismiss nor accept it as actual fact, it is in fact a truth as far as that person and my relationship to that person are concerned. Truths do not have to be facts. Truths are purely subjective. I hope this is making sense. I could shift my viewpoint (paradigm shifting in the more chaos magick sense) to accommodate whatever needed to be true, based on the situation. In this way, I was able to sit on the fence for several years. Up to now, in fact.

So. The night I watched How to Train Your Dragon, I got a message on Skype from Marco, the host of Paranormal Noise, which is the internet radio show I interviewed for a while back. (I have the archive, at last. I’ll upload it as soon as I listen to it. Meanwhile, you can find it via the link in the sidebar.) Marco referenced a conversation that had taken place on the Spirit Companion Yahoogroup in recent weeks, about what one member calls “spregnancy,” i.e., astral pregnancy. He said that it was very hard to believe and that he wanted to do a show on it. I explained that to jump right into a show on astral pregnancy without introducing the audience to Meridjet and to astral work would be a mistake. But imagine: On the one hand, I am transported back to Avatar via the viewing of How to Train Your Dragon, and on the other hand, I get this message from a relative layman in the stranger things I’m involved in, telling me how difficult it was to credit, but asking me to speak live on a topic I don’t even discuss in this blog, where I am probably far too open already. (See this post for details. :P )

Boom. Dilemma in progress. Retry, Abort, Ignore? Abort. Dilemma in progress. Retry, Abort, Ignore? Abort, damn it. Dilemma in progress. Retry, Abort, Ignore? Ignore. That worked great. Until the next night. And so every night this week, I’ve struggled to find my voice, my ability to discuss this to anyone. I can’t even look at it in myself.

So I’m Processing, and it occurs to me that this need for a profound bond with something stretches back to childhood, when my focus was horses. (I never had one; never even got to learn to ride.) I read every book on a-girl-and-her-horse available, several times. I daydreamed. I studied horses and wrote term papers on them. Etc. Later, it was guys and searching for a relationship. Guys ended up being more trouble than they were worth. After I met Meridjet, there just wasn’t any reason. (And why doesn’t he satisfy this need for a bond? He does, sometimes, in some ways. But he hasn’t been emotionally close to me for a long time, due to various circumstances. Certainly not on a regular basis.} Clearly, it manifested as the search for the perfect friend, but that search has origins at least in puberty, possibly earlier. There’s more.

Back when I was first being exposed to Otherkin, I did some research on it. There are symptoms commonly found in Otherkin, and I fit most of them. But they are also symptoms of “Indigo children,” and “Starseeds,” and various other fringey-type subsections of humanity in their search for an explanation of why they’re different than other people. I never took any of these groups very seriously, and didn’t have any reason to believe that my differentness was explained by something other-worldly. So I let it slide. Then, later, I read (most of) Michelle Belanger’s book The Psychic Vampire Codex, because we’d recently met (online) and were emailing each other, and I wanted to know more. Several things she wrote about in her book hit home for me in a huge way, particularly her stuff about triads in House Kheperu. I told her about it, and to be honest I don’t remember her specific response. (I intend to dig up those old emails and reread them, but I can’t bear to be on the computer right now. I’m writing this in Wordpad on an old laptop I got from my brother.) But the way I recall it, she did not encourage further discussion or suggest that I look into it further. From her response, I inferred that I came off like a wannabe, and I was embarrassed. I dropped the subject. I also emailed Raven Sabo, whose book on vampirism I was editing, with similar questions, and she didn’t even grace me with a reply. Further embarrassment, and I dropped the idea altogether.

So now I have the dilemma. I feel that I am on the brink of a momentous choice. Either I take the credible, realistic route, and in the process accept that hope is lost and cynicism is the way of the world. . . thereby giving up the idealism that keeps me on the skin of this planet — a choice that I fear making for obvious reasons. Loss of faith, etc. Or I elect to reject the cynicism, retain my idealism, and seek out the true meaning of this lifelong search for this profound bond. . . and maybe find much, much more than I feel prepared to handle: that I am somehow Otherkin, and that the source of my bond, if it exists, is a part of me I’ve denied or been previously ignorant of. Neither choice is attractive, and neither choice keeps the balance I’ve at least pretended to have. Plus, if I take the road of cynicism, how long will I tolerate such idiocies as “spirit companions” before giving them up, or giving up my entire spirituality? Clearly, straddling the fence does nothing more than cause me pain, and the pain will not be ignored. It is time to face up to this decision.

The most rational approach, for now, is to pursue this line of thought until things reveal themselves, but I don’t know how. This post is the first part of really facing up to it as it exists so far. All attempts to talk to people have been partial, aborted attempts. And since I’m such an “out there” person, I am throwing caution to the wind and posting this publicly. My family can even read it. That makes the whole thing very dangerous. But so is this feeling inside.

So I will wait, and follow the inner voice as much as I can, probably stumble a lot, and see what happens. And I swear to God, if this has anything to do with Meridjet’s surprise, I’m gonna kill him.

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

Comments

  1. It doesn’t have to be an either/or dichotomy, you know. You don’t have to ONLY be rational and therefore give up wonder, or ONLY be imaginative and accept Otherkin as a reality. Your blog is called “infinite possibility”. That isn’t limited by dichotomies. Magic can still exist in conjunction with rational thought; it’s a matter of approach and balance.

    So maybe use both/and instead of either/or in your approach to this?

    • Lupa’s reply is more coherent than whatever I could say this early in the morning, so I am seconding it.
      Also, whatever decision/processing there is, I’d say maybe don’t be so overt with it. Or take things in smaller pieces.

      • How do you mean “overt”? As in talking about it here, or something else? I’m taking it as it comes to me; that’s the only thing I know how to do. The pieces have all come to me just this week. I can’t really ignore what’s eating at me in favor of taking it slower — I am unaware of a way to edit my own thoughts. ;)

        • In this case I mean overt as not putting whatever kind of focus you have on it directly. Maybe it (again?) is something for the background as you go about the whole of living. Also, I think Orloth made a good point, about it not being a matter of “the answer is a or b.”

          • I think I need to identify whatever it is about the issue that is so strongly demanding my attention, but I don’t have any intention of obsessing over it. But yeah. The dichotomies are settling down, so that’s a first step. I’ve had a few epiphanies, such as the clear understanding that I’ll never give up hope, because hope is my faith, what drives me. That’s something I have to re-realize at times. And I don’t think whatever the otherkin issue is, is going to take over my life or my perception of myself. It’ll be a …. comfortable facet, maybe?

            • Incidentally, I am on now for the evening. A bit spacy from getting my Reiki master attumenet today but otherwise here.

    • That’s what I’ve been trying to do for years… and the name of the blog hasn’t escaped me in this, either. ;) I think you’re right in that I’m seeing it as too much of a dichotomy, but this process is pushing my previous boundaries, and I suppose seeing it as opposing forces either/or is just a part of that. I’ve got to find a new footing, but before I can really do that, I have to figure out where this is taking me in terms of who I am, whether or not I am an Otherkin, etc. It’s a difficult adjustment for me to make, since it’s not an idea I’ve given serious weight to before.

      Do you have any advice on how to figure out what this means for me, in terms of ‘kin etc? (It’s hard for me to even type that question, which is evidence of a serious resistance to it.)

      • Well, look at the various theories of what “makes” one Otherkin–past lives/reincarnation, alternative psychology, metaphor/personal mythology, genetic quirks/other physiological possibilities, etc. Then see if any of that rings true as something that might apply to you. Basically you want to figure out exactly what it is that makes you feel there is something Other to you, and whether you want to take it as a literal thing, or simply as part of the story you tell about yourself. That’s where I would suggest you start, anyway.

        • I will do that. If you have any suggestions about reputable sites or sites to avoid, please let me know. Otherwise I’ll let my keyboard do the walking in Google. ;) Thank you, too.

  2. I’ll be on later tonight… might have a couplea things to discuss, which I had dismissed previously as me bein’ a fruitcake. P’raps not, tho. Huh.

    Anyways, will chat later if you’re around. -.-

    Also, I can’t reply at LJ–it won’t let me. ^^;;

    • That’s very strange about replying at LJ. I noticed that when I look at my user info page, it shows you on my friends list but doesn’t show you in “mutual friends,” even though you also have me on your list. What is it doing when you try to reply?

      I will be on later tonight, too. Probably not for a few hours because a local friend wants me to come over and talk, as well. This thing is getting a lot of attention.

  3. I think one of the main reasons we are no longer close is because you predominantly blog now, rather than journal. It gives me no space to know you, your life, or express interest.

    Life is not so black and white. You know this, you’ve seen this. I am just about the incarnation of cynicism, and yet I am not only still here and content to believe in the things I do, but forming new beliefs. Life is not about slowly accepting all, vs slowly rejecting all. You evaluate everything, including your own experiences, and what sticks, sticks. Regardless of how weird it is.

    Balance, objectivity, friends to smack you over the head, these things are key in life.

    • I really miss you.

      A lot of my personal posts here are filtered, so you have to log in to see them. But everyone should be able to see them if they’re logged in. It has been a while, though. I took to blogging more because of the topical interest in the SC stuff; I figured it was more professional to keep the personal stuff to a minimum. On the other hand, that’s not really who I am.

      I know it’s not black and white and I don’t mean to separate things into a dichotomy. It’s just the nature of the process of trying to find new footing — I see the inner conflicts before I arrive at resolution, and that’s what this post is about. It’s not about revealing the answers; it’s about trying to discover them.

      I still miss you. ;)

      • Professional, hah. Journals, good for things other than auto cross-posting you know *admonishes*

        Frankly I wonder if part of your discovery here should be about whether there is the kind of answer you are expecting. “I am otherkin” vs “I am not otherkin”. There are places in between. Lu is not Cloudypard kin, nor is it a totem, but it’s part of her. It’s not deeply spiritual, but it’s not meaningless. I am neither a Night Elf Druid, nor a Worgen/other werewolf type, but both are part of me.

        I miss you too. Even in those times when you do blog a load of piffle. (Oh, what. You know It’s all over my head.)

        • I only just started crossposting again cuz I have people on LJ who don’t always make it to the blog. :P And I don’t have time to separate and double my efforts to journal.

          I don’t understand what it means to have something as part of you and not be ‘kin. Can you clarify? Also, wtf is a Cloudypard? You come up with stuff I’ve never heard of… nho a Worgen, either, or a Night Elf Druid. I must be behind. ;)

          Piffle? *guffaw* That’s hilarious. :))

          • Clouded Leopard. Writing it five times in a short paragraph gets annoying, and a friend uses Cloudypard, Snowypard.

            Worgen and NE Druids are World of Warcraft things.
            http://www.wowpedia.org/Worgen
            http://www.wowpedia.org/Worgen_%28playable%29

            http://www.wowpedia.org/Night_elf
            http://www.wowpedia.org/Druid

            In short, Worgen are the World of Warcraft werewolves, Night Elves are tall purple/blue very martial and secretive elves, and druids are treehuggers who often have a thing for turning into animals.

            Being kin is about who you are, what you are, and in some cases where you come from. I *am* a vampire, it’s what I’ve been before, it’s what I am now, and short of some kind of brain transplant it’s likely to be all I’ll ever be. Lu has been dragon and horse, still experiences herself as dragon.

            Whereas, my connection to two-footed monster creatures, is something inside of me that isn’t… Kin. It’s important, and it’s absolutely real. That part of me is as significant to me as being vampire, much of the time. But it’s not what I am, and there are little feelings that allow you just to *know* that it’s different. It feels strong sometimes, and in cases like mine it would be so easy to make a mistake, but the difference is there.

            It’s the same with Lu and the cloudypard. When she feels animal these days, she feels like a cloudypard. All long body, long tail, short legs with round soft paws. But it’s something she’s being, not something she is.

            Sadly, how to tell the difference is simply something you learn with time, not something you can be taught. It’s not an epic mistake, either way. And erring on the side of “part of me” is probably the best because it doesn’t require a declaration of “omg I’m otherkin!” and yet has 90% of the benefits.

            When I lived with Tyler, afterwards I’ve found that that type of werewolf (full wolf form) has become part of me too. It’s not something I am. I wish it was. Maybe someday it’ll be something I’m able to do in places other than dreams. But it is a huge part of me. I always feel like I’m just a step away from being able to flip into wolf, but it never quite happens.

            • I didn’t know you’d lived with a guy. *curious*

              This makes a lot more sense to me. I’d like to talk to you about it in chat sometime soon, when I have time to get on. Have a session today (paid chat session) and will probably be on late tonight, if you’ll be around.

              Thanks for clarifying. Orloth (other commenter) explained the NED and the Worgen to me, as well. I haven’t played WoW, alas. I may have to look into a free server, which I hear is a possibility.

              • Tyler is Kalman’s father, who I bilocationy stayed with for some time. Also with his pack though not in the same house.

                Free servers *are* possible, but they are also a) hardcore against the rules, and b) often not very populated, though I hear some manage to get good numbers.

                You are an evil American, and “late” means “ass in the morning”, but I shall try *g*

                • Free servers also tend to be buggy, unbalanced, and subject to the whims of the host GMs. You can get a free trial pretty easily now a days. However, I suggest that you don’t pay for the game until you can say no to it. I am a recovered WoW addict, and use that phrase to mean exactly what it says. I got the shakes and everything, it was freaky.

                  • Wow, that’s pretty intense. Addiction is one of the reasons I haven’t tried to play before. As of now, I am so completely clueless about the game and how it functions that I’d be a horrible, horrible N00b. :) But I might have to try it, anyway!

                • I should be on earlier today. Like soonish. :)

  4. I can completley sympathize with the inner conflict you are going through. I have been going through similar for the past year and a half. Others can point you in a direction, but ultimately this is going to be your own soul searching. I honestly think that anyone who is on a spiritual path can be labled as ‘not all there’ by society, especially those who go through paradigm shattering events. Unfortunatley, society does effect a lot of how we process what we go through….even if we ourselves don’t realize that it still has hold. I agree that nothing is truly black and white. I also believe that everyone has their own trueths and it isn’t fully correct for us to judge and condemn what their trueth is. Perhaps what you can benefit you is an ear you feel you can fully express youself to without the fear of blatant disregard and condemnation? Perhaps I am just blowing out a load of hot air. I can understand searching for a friend with an unbreakable bond. I feel everyone searches for that to some degree. I know I have and still am. I hope that you can find the solution and answers you are seeking for. Just remember you have people you can reach out to. You don’t have to do this alone. Brightest blessings! Oh, one more thing…..you are loved! So don’t get to hard on yourself. ;)

    • Thank you. See comment below, to Orloth. I will find the answers. Perhaps I am too open with my Processing? I will get past the dichotomies with work and time.

      Do we know each other off this site? Cuz your answers sound familiar. :)

      And thank you again. :)

  5. Worgen and Night Elf Druid are World of Warcraft references. Worgen are basically werewolves with gothic influences. Night Elves are dark elves with a strong affinity for nature and druids are nature based shapechangers. I know many WoW players feel a very strong attachment to their characters, and that has a tendency to spill into mystic identities in the same way that a strong sympathy with a movie character can. My old WoW character was a Blood Elf Warlock, A magic addicted elder race with a tragic past who consorted with dark powers.

    I can’t help you on Cloudypard. Sorry.

    I am in the camp that thinks that you are seeing this too much in extremes. Just about anyone can find aspects of themselves that can be called “Otherkin.” It is simply on what parts of themselves that they decide to focus on, that depends on whether or not they claim the title as part of their identity. I have the physical build of an Tolkien elf, a raccoon totem spirit that follows me around, and the occasional burst of knowledge that I don’t remember learning. Any one of these can be interpreted to mean I am Otherkin, but to be Otherkin is to focus on one of these aspects to the exclusion of all other aspects of your self and to say that that aspect is you.

    There are two directly conflicting thought processes here. The basic need for companionship, or the true friendship where another person’s happiness is vital to your own, and the need to be unique, to be recognized as a thinking and feeling individual, are striving with and against each other to bring you to a conclusion, an epiphany… or something. I am just interpreting here.

    On the one hand, the need for companionship is hardwired into our brains. Humans naturally form into packs, families, tribes, and communities, but in the modern world, a family can be spread across the globe, communities are too large and disconnected to feel a part of, and to be a part of a pack or tribe is deviant and wrong unless it conforms to the widely accepted believes of the area. So to feel estranged from it all is very understandable. I wish I had an acceptable answer for you, but I get the feeling that you’ve been burned enough times by false friends that you spastically and reflexively seclude yourself to avoid exactly what you seek.

    On the other hand, to be an individual requires the courage to stand up and state who and what you are to the world, without flinching at the inevitable torches and pitchforks. Being a part of a group of people makes that easier, as it is far easier to face the masses in a group, but is it honest to yourself to identify yourself with them? and is it truly who you are, or are you just conforming with another group that will dislike your true self just as much as the next.

    I am sorry to be blunt, but I don’t care to see someone that I see as inspiration and as a teacher to falter in the shedding of light in favor of hiding among the ignorant masses. You have your psychosis to work through, we all do, but you should not give up on who and what you are. At the same time, if after all that I have said you still think that this is the right path for you, then go for it. Some paths just need to be walked.

    • I am in the camp that thinks that you are seeing this too much in extremes. Just about anyone can find aspects of themselves that can be called “Otherkin.” It is simply on what parts of themselves that they decide to focus on, that depends on whether or not they claim the title as part of their identity. I have the physical build of an Tolkien elf, a raccoon totem spirit that follows me around, and the occasional burst of knowledge that I don’t remember learning. Any one of these can be interpreted to mean I am Otherkin…

      What you and the other commenters don’t realize is that this post, this articulation of what I’m feeling is the actual Process. I could have waited until it was over and I’d worked it out to post, and then it would have been all wrapped up and neat, without the dichotomies. But as I am still processing it out, naturally reflecting on extremes is going to be a part of that. When you’re in emotional turmoil, does it not feel extreme to you?

      but to be Otherkin is to focus on one of these aspects to the exclusion of all other aspects of your self and to say that that aspect is you.

      Now this is helpful. This had not occurred to me at all. Thank you.

      There are two directly conflicting thought processes here. The basic need for companionship, or the true friendship where another person’s happiness is vital to your own, and the need to be unique, to be recognized as a thinking and feeling individual, are striving with and against each other to bring you to a conclusion, an epiphany… or something. I am just interpreting here.

      I don’t see these two things in conflict at all. True friendship includes the other person’s recognition of your thoughts and feelings. I think you’re seeing a dichotomy where there isn’t one, and evidently I have enough of those already. ;)

      On the one hand, the need for companionship is hardwired into our brains. Humans naturally form into packs, families, tribes, and communities, but in the modern world, a family can be spread across the globe, communities are too large and disconnected to feel a part of, and to be a part of a pack or tribe is deviant and wrong unless it conforms to the widely accepted believes of the area. So to feel estranged from it all is very understandable. I wish I had an acceptable answer for you, but I get the feeling that you’ve been burned enough times by false friends that you spastically and reflexively seclude yourself to avoid exactly what you seek.

      You’re absolutely right about my secluding myself emotionally (I’m less secluded socially than I have been in almost 15 years), and I’m very conscious of this fact. And it is because of the umpteen times I’ve invested everything only to be burned by it somehow — whether that was through my previous lack of awareness of my effect on other people, or through other circumstances, or through a deliberate and malicious campaign to hurt me. But that caution is in place now, and until I feel safe enough to let it go, it’ll be there. That’s not my issue. I do put out feelers and initiate discussion, but when there is a lack of response, I let it go.

      I don’t feel the need for an entire community of people (or even a family) that believe or behave as I do, or as what I seek in one friend.

      On the other hand, to be an individual requires the courage to stand up and state who and what you are to the world, without flinching at the inevitable torches and pitchforks. Being a part of a group of people makes that easier, as it is far easier to face the masses in a group, but is it honest to yourself to identify yourself with them? and is it truly who you are, or are you just conforming with another group that will dislike your true self just as much as the next.

      I’ve never been good at conforming. It’s why I’ve never been in any magical orders. I don’t swallow beliefs for the sake of defining myself according to someone else’s dogma or rules.

      I am sorry to be blunt, but I don’t care to see someone that I see as inspiration and as a teacher to falter in the shedding of light in favor of hiding among the ignorant masses. You have your psychosis to work through, we all do, but you should not give up on who and what you are. At the same time, if after all that I have said you still think that this is the right path for you, then go for it. Some paths just need to be walked.

      Where did you get the idea that I was seeking to hide among the “ignorant masses”? I don’t follow that line of reasoning at all. And while I might be working through my psyche, I don’t consider myself to be psychotic. I will never give up on who I am, and I knew this even as I wrote the post. But what I have to find is a way to hold onto those things without giving up the healthier ways of interacting that I learned in therapy — and part of that is realizing that the bond I seek is unlikely to ever occur in the form in which I’ve sought it. I need to let go of the inner restrictions to that form, so whatever it is can manifest in an appropriate way. It’s hard figuring out if I’m being shown to simply relax that (which I’ve been doing for some time now, increasingly) or if there’s a specific area in which I need to put my attention. The process feels like one in which I’m being shown something more specific than a “let go,” and that’s what this post is about. I’m trying to work it out.

      I’m sorry if posting my personal stuff or my pain makes you feel I am faltering. I often sound that way when I Process — but I never falter. This stuff, all the spiritual work I do, is the one thing in which I can find more strength and more strength and more strength, and if you knock me on my ass, it just fires me up. But the pain has to be expressed to be worked through, and it’s part of how I find that strength. If it makes you uncomfortable, I will filter you out. Let me know.

  6. I am sorry that what I posted sounded accusatory. I understand that the post is a form of processing, however, it is also open to read and comment upon, and so I have. Sometimes it is easy to get into a rut, and the best way to get out of it is to seek other opinions. That is what I saw and gave.

    You do not need to filter yourself. If anything here makes me uncomfortable then it is my responsibility not to read or respond, rather then trolling or harassing.

    I tend to answer questions more completely then I mean to at times, I apologize if I overstepped myself. I allowed my opinions on the groups that I have encountered to color the above.

    • You are of course welcome to comment. I wasn’t trying to be confrontational, just direct. It was the bit about you seeing me faltering that concerned me — I don’t want my readers to be uncomfortable, so I offered the option of filtering you. But no worries — I’m not faltering. :)

      I see this as the process of getting out of a rut, so it’s a good thing. And comments are appreciated — even worrisome ones. You don’t have to edit your words, but you should definitely expect me to respond to them. ;) You didn’t overstep, so no apology is needed. I understand your concerns regarding groups and group “dogma,” and share them. That’s one of the things that gives me pause with regard to the whole Otherkin issue.

      Thank you, Orloth. Please don’t feel uncomfortable.

  7. Wow, Sheta, you certainly stirred up things here with your post!

    I hope that you will be able to find a satisfying answer.
    Some things came up between my forum post about the same or similar issue and your post now on this blog.
    Mainly I managed to figure something out with Azael ( I got him to help me out a bit :p ), which might (or might not) help you too.
    It could give you perhaps an alternative approach to this little problem, I will write you an e- mail if you don´t mind , since I simply feel more comfortable with this .
    Sorry to your interested readers, but I´m not yet ready to talk about me so openly as you do Sheta (which I find amazing, really, I think you are a great person to share these insights!).
    So watch out for your inbox ;-) !

    • I got your email and will respond late tonight or tomorrow. Be sure to remind me if I get distracted and forget. ;) You know how easily that happens! :))

      Yeah, this post has received a lot of attention here, as well as some on LiveJournal. I likes it! :)

  8. Yeah we have spoken off this sight before, but its been a year or two. I fell off the earth for a while and found it to have been the best thing for me to have done at that time. I don’t think that this processing you posted hasn’t caused anyone any issues. We all want to help in our own way. So don’t apologize. I find this exciting in that I am learning new trueths that I wouldn’t be able to encounter in everyday life let alone speak of to others :( . Amazing learning possibilities and processes we all go through in our spiritual and everday lives. :) most excellent.

  9. To be honest I’m surprised it’s taken you so long to come around to an interest in otherkin ;) I definitely think you should keep investigating and see what you come up with and what seems attracted to you. I don’t really chat anymore (sometimes on Twitter, but if you ever tweet I don’t see it!) but if you want to email me or something we can definitely discuss stuff.

    <3

    • I tweet on occasion, but you know how wordy I am… it’s hard for me to contain anything of import within 140 characters or whatever it is. Twitter seems to promote a superficial exchange, and I’m not very good at those. People chat there?

      I’ll definitely email you (or you can email me). I just crawled out of the cave that is my bed — hours are fubar — but I’ll get to it today sometime. :)

      • Ha, yes, understandable! Yeah, there are a lot of chats, both organized and disorganized, using hashtags. I use it to chat with the people in a forum-based RP I’m in (though most of us created new accounts for that so we’d stop annoying our other friends, so you won’t see it on my Twitter).

  10. I am new to this sort of sharing, but will do my best to be succinct and direct. I find myself also mildly disturbed by some of this stuff, as I’ve related to much of what you have posted. I’ve also been somewhat isolated due to some circumstances I got myself into (as you already know). Having said that, I hope you know that nothing you could tell me would make me think you were insane or otherwise anything other than my oldest best friend. FYI, I’m writing with an eye to the fact that others will be able to see it, so I’m trying to be eloquent to some degree. I find that I agree with Twilight regarding the idea that not all truths need necessarily be “your” truth. At the same time, I also feel that you do need to relax to some degree, and allow things to come to you in their own time. Actually, I related to a great deal of what has been posted so far, but it’s hard for me to go back and nit and pick at the specific ideas. Draw me out (not just speaking to Sheta, here). I find inspiration comes from confrontation, albeit not negative confrontation. If that makes any sense. I’m here. Use me. :-)

    • No need to be self-conscious, but I understand — it’s easier to speak if someone draws you out.

      You were the primary witness to Meridjet’s first two years with me and I trust your insights. :) I have relaxed quite a bit, mostly following the realization two nights ago that I wouldn’t give up my idealism or hope, because those are the key to my strength. I am sort of keeping my eyes open and following instinct, which has led to me being easily distracted by the next “ooh shiny” moreso than usual. :)

  11. I agree with everything you said and that has been said here. It relates to me so much that its kinda scary. Reading everything so far suddenly made me want to join your Spiritcompanion yahoo group thingy for some reason…..@_@

  12. Yay! ^-^
    “grok”? *I scuttle around like a hermit crab in confusion* @-@

    • Stranger in a Strange Land, by Heinlein.

      Grok means to understand completely, to have lived it or felt it. The basic idea being that you can understand something so completely that it is a part of you.

  13. Oh, thanks! :)

    (and for the simple fact of having never said any greeting to you before now, I now say hi. :D )

  14. Hello.

    You are the reason the forums are so active, No?

    • Yup. I make up almost half of all posts on the board. (179) :) Sheta makes up most of the rest (177), with Shichibaku in third place with 60. :D

  15. I know I’m late on this discussion but the thing about wanting to have a great friend–a best friend–really hit home with me. I remember that after Peter Cushing died, Christopher Lee spoke about how he would miss having that one great friend that you always felt such a kinship with. I too have always longed for that and have had to resign myself to the fact that I will never find it. Though I don’t go through my days wailing and lamenting, there is a sadness within me about this. My life is a bit emptier knowing that I cannot resonate with anyone on that level in this lifetime.

    • Eventually I’ll be able to let go of that emptiness, not in despair but in acceptance, the way I’ve accepted the very likely fact that I’ll never get married again. I’ve explained to my friends — the odds of meeting someone who

      is similar in age or maturity
      is open-minded, truly accepting of, and (best case scenario) involved in my spiritual beliefs
      understands that I have a spirit who is very important to me
      makes a good living
      and is dedicated to us

      are pretty slim. And I’ve accepted that. I am not willing to settle for “okay” in the name of companionship, because companionship is not a good trade off for the inevitable degree of complication that would be added to my life. I’m complicated and disorganized enough already that this is a really bad idea. I don’t expect to ever meet anyone who fits the criteria, but I’m not suffering over that. When I can accept (fully) that connecting to a friend deeply enough to satisfy my human need to bond is just as unlikely, I’ll be a happier person all around. It’s not defeat. It’s just detachment. Selective detachment, anyway.

      And I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Meridjet’s plan in being absent so long is to starve me. I know that he provides very well what I need. I’ve just been without more than a split second of that for months. I wonder if this plays back on the whole psi-vamp thing. Curious.

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