I get email forwards all the time. Most of us do. Today I got one that was a little more inspiring than the average fare, and I thought I would share some of it, with a little commentary. I hope you will find it equally inspiring.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
I’ve found, especially over the past ten years and my time online, that these “reason” people have come and gone more frequently than in the years before. Sometimes it seems like I’ve been there more for their reason than mine, but in reality we each have things to teach the other, no matter what the situation. These relationships are usually intense and end equally intensely, making me wonder why I was so stupid as to trust them or allow them to affect me so deeply. There have been at least three “best friends” in the last 7 years alone who’ve ultimately traumatized me, and I think in most cases the end was traumatic for both of us. I used to feel victimized (and so did they, and perhaps they still do), and blame would fly in all directions — from them to me, from me to them, and at anyone else convenient to the situation who dared to express an opinion or support the new “enemy.”
These friendships taught me a lot, but for a long time I couldn’t see it. I was so close to the situation(s) and its fallout that I found it difficult to be objective, to see the lessons and to leave the pain. We can’t see objectively through our pain, and as long as we allow that pain to affect us, then our thinking and our reactions are also affected. If there’s anything I learned from these situations as a singular, whole experience, it is that forgiveness does not have to equal submission. You forgive someone’s shortcomings, what they did to hurt you, because failing to forgive holds onto that trauma, and you can’t move on. You forgive them, but that doesn’t mean you’d necessarily welcome them back with open arms and warm hugs. You’re still cautious. You still make choices based on knowledge, but the forgiveness allows the objectivity to prevail.
And you forgive yourself, for whatever you believe you did wrong, for losing a friend you thought was forever, for everything that you can come up with (in therapy, in my case, or in whatever way you process things), because if you don’t forgive yourself then you live in fear. You fear messing things up with someone else. You fear not measuring up. You fear that you’re a bad person. Whatever you fear, you draw closer to yourself. Forgive yourself, forgive them, and furthermore, forgive them yet again for not forgiving you — because maybe they can’t, or maybe they have but you’ll never know it because their own caution prevents communication. You may never know — and that needs to be okay.
Those friendships that end, in bitter tears and rueful, adamant vows to never trust again — they are for a reason, and you must find what they have to teach you, accept it, grow from it, and move on. Let them go. They are over, it’s time to move on, but with lessons learned and assimilated, because otherwise you’re doomed to repeat those lessons again. Many times, those friendships whose endings we suffer over were very difficult to maintain, because of the challenges inherit in those lessons being taught. They pushed our limits. But we made it through. Why mourn the end of a lesson? Be glad it’s over, but learn it. Don’t bury it and refuse to examine it, painful as it may be. We need to learn, because we don’t want to have to go there again.
Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I like that last line, “Love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.” There is the implication there that friends see more than mates, more than parents, more than anyone who has not ventured so close to our psyches, our hearts, our minds, and our souls. Friends know more than the average bear. They see our weaknesses — which we hide from everyone else. They see our struggles, both internal and external. They see our victories and our failures. They see us fall down, help us up if they can, and watch us drag ourselves up by our bootstraps if they can’t. They hear about our marriages and relationships, our work, our biases; they see the good and the bad, the beauty and the ugliness, and if they’re truly friends, they may judge but in the end, they get past it and appreciate us for who we are.
It’s also said that, “We like someone because, but we love someone although.” I think that says a lot. So many people, especially online, see friends as disposable commodities — easily set aside if the going gets tough, in favor of someone new and more interesting. I see a lot of people using the Internet superficially, to glide through their relationships with no real effort to truly know people, or rejecting them when the inevitable cloudy day arrives. I’ve never been very skilled with superficiality, and I don’t relate to the “disposable friendship” paradigm. It’s been hard for me to at times suffer the loss of one I called a friend just because they were distracted into something else or found it easier to walk away than to work through an issue with me. But perhaps these people have been “reason” people, or “season” people, not “lifetime” people.
I wish all the best, despite my occasionally resurfacing bitterness — which I continue to work on, one layer at a time. I hope people are happy. But most of all, I hope they’re learning and have no regrets. I regret little, and I expect in time I will regret nothing. I guess we’ll see.
Life should be a celebration, of our differences as well as our kindred. I hope you’ll dance with me a while.
About Sheta Kaey
vics (very important clicks)