I have had a really tough day, but in between rough spots it went pretty well. (This is me, searching earnestly for the bright side. ) I went to my brother’s with Susan, who was going for a haircut and color. In the space of about eight hours, I managed to:

1. Forget to take my medication.
2. Forget the one item I was supposed to bring with me.
3. Start a fight with my brother because I wanted to be heard.
4. Start a fight with Susan because I wanted to be heard.
5. Meet an online friend while behaving like an idiot.
6. Spend money I couldn’t afford to spend, from the contest the other night.
7. Get a frikiin’ ticket, of all things, for not properly wearing my seat belt (though I had it on; the cops were hiding under an overpass in the U-turn lane).
8. Come home and fall, for the second time in a week, onto my knees in my very overcrowded bedroom.

I came home upset instead of going out with Susan to Wal-Mart, because I knew I needed to think about things and what I’d been doing. Jesi used to get upset with me for “lecturing” her, and it’s true that when I am emotional about something I want to talk it into the ground and then talk about it some more. And then maybe a bit more, just to be sure. Sure about what, I don’t know, but I keep talking. Forever. Today was the first challenge with it I’ve had since I started therapy — except for sometimes with Kara, but she knows me well enough to know eventually I shut up. (Theoretically.) Anyway, I didn’t even realize what I was doing at first, and when I found out, I knew I had to be alone to think it over. That was fine, but then I couldn’t shut the feelings off. And it was absolutely my first time having to deal with the feelings without talking about them. It has been very hard.

I sat down to make a blog post about it, with no idea what I would say except, basically, “Ow.” Then the cat came yowling at me and I got up to see what the issue was, caught my foot yet again (last time was on my pant leg, heh, and this time was on a cord) and went face first to the floor. Skinned one knee and briefly wondered if I’d broken a toe, but it’s okay now. Spilled a bowl of milk everywhere. I started hyperventilating, then got up and cleaned up and called my mom and just sobbed. I feel better now, other than a lingering desire to turn the clock back and inject myself with a little more self-awareness before leaving the house. God.

I really have to work on this obsession with being heard. I mean, really, who gives a fuck? It’s not as if what I had to say was of any great import plus people hear much, MUCH better than I realize because during those moments I’ve got my head shoved so far up my ass that I’m oblivious to anything other than my own voice. It’s mortifying, and it’s even more embarrassing that I didn’t get over the need to be heard until I cried. I am clearly not processing and releasing my emotions well, and it’s not cool; it’s not fair to other people to put them through that kind of crap. This is my most difficult issue. I wasn’t going to post about it but I need to do this so I can verbalize it in therapy and work on it. Otherwise it’ll fade and I’ll lose the clarity, such as it is, into the issue. At the very least, I need to learn to be succinct and then STFU.

Goody for baring one’s ugliness wide open on the Internet. Woo hoo.

Edited to add:
I got home and here’s the “General Horoscope Influence” for the day, i.e. this one is for everyone, not one sign:

“The passionate Scorpio Moon encourages us to merge with our feelings. We are now on a playing field where our intense emotions can melt into someone else’s, yet we are also frightened by the idea. If we are able to work through our initial resistance, it may be tough to know where to stop, for the Moon’s square to indulgent Jupiter tempts us toward excess. Meanwhile, an unforgiving Venus-Chiron aspect might make us suspicious of other’s motives.”

ha ha ha. Ironic, eh?

3 Responses to “Rough Day”

1. Hummingbird says:

   19 October 2009 at 20:10

   I love the duck! Sorry our day turned weird that way. I have issues in my head – you know that. You read me right when you say I am undecided about things – always have been. It comes from most of my life not having any self confidence. I have to work hard at that. It’s like I can’t think clearly sometimes. So I doubt myself a lot. Just call me dazed and confused!

   Reply
   • sheta says:

     19 October 2009 at 23:34

     Hey, it was totally my fault. You were right — I was going on and on, and I apologize. It’s hard for me to hear, and I worry I’ve upset you and then I keep going… I’m just really sorry. I hope you’re not mad at me.

     I still love you oodles.

     Reply
2. Hummingbird says:

   20 October 2009 at 04:48

   I am not mad….I am too sensitive. I hope your knee is okay. I still love you too! Hugs

   Reply

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