My friend Lavanah posted this old story in her blog and I wanted to save a copy, so I’m posting it here. This was an essay somewhere, or so the story goes.

Subject: The Temperature of Hell

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being – which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting, “Oh my God.”

This student received the only “A”.

4 Responses to “An Old Story I want to Save – The Temperature of Hell”

1. Kat says:

   3 July 2009 at 22:35

   Rofl…that is pretty funny, lol…and a good point made by the student who wrote it.

   Reply
   • sheta says:

     4 July 2009 at 12:36

     I like it, too.

     Reply   More from author
2. Orloth says:

   3 July 2009 at 23:08

   Reading this just made my whole day better.

   Reply
   • sheta says:

     4 July 2009 at 12:36

     Well, then, my work here is done.

     Reply   More from author

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