Meridjet Motives in a New Light

I was reading Wikipedia a bit ago, about schema therapy. There was a link at the bottom to their page on Cognitive Dissonance, in which I found this gem:

Most of the research on cognitive dissonance takes the form of “induced compliance without sufficient justification.” In these studies, participants are asked to write an essay against their beliefs, or to do something unpleasant, without a sufficient justification or incentive. The vast majority of participants comply with these kinds of requests and subsequently experience dissonance.

There have been repeated occasions in which my spirit companion, Meridjet, persuaded me to do things not in my nature, only to have those things come up and bite me in the ass later. After the fact, he’d give me this song and dance about teaching me things, or making points – points that I already knew. Sometimes these events were traumatizing for me and sometimes they were also traumatizing for other people. I’ve made what I thought were herculean efforts to defy him, particularly after some of the earlier situations went so horribly wrong (from my point of view, anyway), but he’s always kept pushing and saying things like, “do you trust me?” Now, before anyone gets angry in my stead, let me stipulate that I don’t believe he intends true harm, but he does, most definitely, intend to cause pain and teach me hard lessons. I’ve felt for years that one of the most important lessons (and perhaps the only lesson) of these manipulations is to teach me how to say no. Yet at those times when I’ve felt I was adamantly refusing, he’s always had the ability to outlast me. It’s maddening.

I call this methodology “moral ambiguity” and “ethical deception,” perhaps to (ahem) solve my cognitive dissonance with the concept that he can mention trust while deliberately misleading me, but one thing I know about him is that he has a masterful ability to imply something without actually saying it, leading you to conclusions useful to the lesson but not, in fact, true at all. So him saying, “Do you trust me?” is not the same as him saying, “You need to trust me on this.” And while I’ve given him a lot of bad reviews and personal bullshit for these methods over the past four or five years, he has more than once side-stepped protocol to warn me about things incoming. Once, as we lay in bed and I told him I loved him, he asked, “Will you still love me if I take [name] away from you?” I said, “Yes, but don’t.” And of course, he did, but she turned out to be poison anyway.

He’s always there for me afterward, and I’ve often compared our “ordeal work” and its aftermath to a spiritual form of BDSM and aftercare. He can push my limits like no one else, mainly because he’s the only one I’ve ever trusted enough to allow that. And he can seem unfeeling and dispassionate during the work, while afterward he is there for me – it’s just that my idea of when it’s time to give in and hold me differs from his, and he will not budge until he judges it appropriate to do so. And one of the creepiest, but niftiest, but freakiest things about him is his unerring way of both using a statement or reaction and meaning it at the same time. So if I’m trying to push him into giving me the validation I yearn for, whether I use anger or tears or anything else, he can very honestly respond in character – refusing to even look at me, because he won’t be pushed or emotionally blackmailed, and is the stubbornest person I’ve ever met – and yet this reaction is also perfectly in tune with what I need to benefit most from the lesson. This, more than anything else, speaks to me of perfect matches, of soul mates. The concept of soulmates is not one I’ve ever been really comfortable with, because it seems to remove a necessary facet of free will, but with all I’ve learned of the nature of paradox and its intrinsic harmony… I can’t help but wonder.

I have been feeling sad tonight since the movie, but wow, he never fails to set me thinking past my emotions.

I Alone

– Live

It’s easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains
I sank into Eden with you
Alone in the church by and by
I’ll read to you here; save your eyes
You’ll need them; your boat is at sea
Your anchor is up; you’ve been swept away
and the greatest of teachers won’t hesitate
to leave you there by yourself
chained to fate

I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
Fear is not the end of this!

It’s easier not to be great
and measure these things by your eyes
We long to be here by his resolve
Alone in the church by and by
To cradle the baby in space
and leave you there by yourself
chained to fate

I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
Fear is not the end of this!

Oh, now, we took it back too far,
Only love can save us now
All these riddles that you burn
All come runnin’ back to you
All these rhythms that you hide
Only love can save us now
All these riddles that you burn

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

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