Getting Hard For Me, Again

It’s time for another cycle of “Where do I really need to be?” introspection. This whole magazine move for Rending the Veil is falling apart. I am starting to think it might be time to seriously consider giving it up. I don’t want to do that, but I can’t continue like this.

When I put this magazine together, it was at the behest of Nick Graham, my co-founder. It was his idea. He asked in his LJ at the time if anyone was interested in putting together an occult magazine, and I stepped forward. He didn’t know how to do web design, so I did it, and asked for volunteers. We were fortunate enough to have a great volunteer webmaster doing the back end stuff, and of course many contributors who just rocked our socks. We started things in September, behind the scenes. Then, like idiots, we kicked off at Yule, meaning that our initially busiest time – as greenhorns – was during the holidays.

Nick quit the magazine the following Beltane (May 1), stating that it wasn’t going the way he had anticipated. Okay. (I’m still not quite sure what that means.) Gerald del Campo stepped forward to the second position and began to provide ideas for shaping RTV’s future. I wanted to put together these art galleries so that we could showcase and sell handmade, occult oriented wares made by our contributors – everything from mp3s from Gerald’s bands to Lupa’s totemic projects to photography and graphic art. I was gung ho about it. It didn’t happen, 1) because I am a very disorganized person, 2) Matt, our webmaster, grew very busy with his last year of school, and 3) I really didn’t have the know-how to do it myself. No one else was interested in helping, so it kept getting postponed.

I learned around this time last year that I am too harsh as an editor. It took a whole year for anyone to tell me this. It was embarrassing to realize I’d probably been too harsh and run off the only people helping me. But my editors all evaporated within the past year, and none are really responsive to emails I send out, either general or specific. So that increased my workload.

Gerald developed health problems that make it difficult for him to be at a computer for very long. He still has these issues and has had no luck in finding the cause. He also has computer problems right now. But in any case, he had to take a step back from his online life. Caliedo stepped forward to help. Sarenth has also stepped forward, though truth be told his help falls more in the realm of my spiritual work. This past year, 2008, I’ve been going through immense changes as a human being. I’ve had upheaval after upheaval, some good, some bad. I’ve failed to make friends with people I wanted to know better; I’ve lost friends; I’ve gained others. It’s been stressful.

Once again, no galleries. I am starting to feel the stress of someone who can’t keep their word.

I make efforts to start a home-based business, and it becomes almost immediately apparent that it’s no better than holding a job, because my body isn’t up to the stress of pushing myself to work through whatever its issue of the day might be. The computer repair stuff isn’t going well. The magazine becomes a run-collapse-run-collapse yo yo of insanity. Matt graduates from school and gets a job. His time to help is reduced to almost nil. No galleries are foreseeable.

I work with a volunteer, Jared, for a short time on making Simple Machines Forum the content management system for the magazine. Between each of our sporadic attention, the communication falls apart and since I can’t run SMF by myself, I scrap it. I’ve just been redoing the same problems I had with Elgg and Matt’s unavailability, all over again.

I implement a WordPress MU set up and am busy trying to get the pages input. It’s over 300 pages, all to be in some way or another recoded, with over 600 images to do over again as well. I’m not even 25% done, and the attention I have to put on the content disrupts any flow I have of figuring out how to implement the features we want, and vice versa so that I’ve never got any sort of linear progress and my energies are scattered all over the place. Then the holidays arrive, and I realize I’m doing it again, trying to launch a new site at the worst possible time, when no one, including me, has time to help.

I can’t convert the databases from the old Elgg-based site to use on the new WPMU-based site, and it would take months to figure out how to even work with databases beyond “add” and “delete,” so I ask for help. When someone offers to help, I give her a list so long it offends her, and she vanishes. So I write and say, “Hey, never mind, how bout those databases?” but it’s the worst time of year for this, right? So I don’t expect a reply til 2009… and by then I’ve failed again at keeping to my publicized timetable. I’m a failure at business, even when it’s free.

So I have this notice up on RTV right now that we’ll launch the new site on 12-31 with the Yule issue and the galleries. Yeah, sure. We’ll be lucky to have the Yule issue and no accounts, let alone galleries. It’s a nightmare, and it’s my fault for presuming that it would all work out instead of waiting til it was done before making any sort of announcement. Add on to this:

  • the flu, which I can’t seem to get rid of
  • a new set of kidney stones and accompanying pain (right now!)
  • my neighbor’s computer that I must get into better shape as he already paid me a while back and has problems with it now
  • the card readings for the Homeward Bound fundraiser (one down, one to go, one for later)
  • a website for Homeward Bound after the first of the year
  • a website for a friend of my brother’s he volunteered me for (which I honestly don’t mind doing if I can find the time
  • redoing the book I lost the edits for – 300,000 words
  • finishing my book, which somehow always comes in last
  • a huge and debilitating list of mundane stuff for my mom on this property that seem to come in last except for my book, to her increasing chagrin

and this is just the stuff I can remember. I want my life back, I want my relationship back and my spiritual Work. I want to finish getting organized (it’s gotten so much better), and to fine tune the things that matter to me to a sane few to truly push forward on. I also just want to cry.

I don’t want to quit the magazine. I love it. I just can’t do it alone unless nothing else has my attention. There’s not enough time.

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

Comments

  1. Hm, I suspect that all the stress is also contributing to your physical health problems. (yeah, way to state the obvious) And sometimes you just can’t do everything, but it’s also not a failure to admit to it. If I may offer advice, spend the next day or so relaxing and don’t worry about any of this, then come back 24 (or so) hours later and just look at everything objectively.

    If I had the tech knowledge I’d step up for the RtV code, but unfortunately those things are out of my realm.

    Take care of yourself, Sheta.

  2. I know how you feel. And actually the load you’re carrying is quite great. That’s why you can’t shake the flu–the stress is keeping your immune system suppressed. I so feel for you about losing the edits for the books–and about everything else. Sometimes when we get overwhelmed we start shutting down.
    I am also very disorganized with my mind being in a billion places at once. I have my own strange little system of organizing my own stuff–it doesn’t work as far as working with anyone else.
    As someone who also writes, I feel that when I put my own writing last I start to become even more depressed. Try to make time for an hour at least once a week. Put everything else last! At least for me that helps a tiny bit.
    I also do affiliate marketing and it is very frustrating. I found this picture that said “I do a lot of things very well. Unfortunately none of it makes any money.”
    I think that’s where a lot of us independent types are at. Unfortunately, I don’t really have any sound solutions, just commiseration. Hang on! The things you do are worthwhile.

  3. OK, sweetie, here is my take. First, I agree, the stress is DEFINITELY affecting your physical health. Nothing is possible unless you are physically up to it, so that has to be the number 1 priority. Second, take care of the already paid to you responsibilities (the neighbors computer, the readings for the shelter fundraiser, etc) and the financial requirements for your home and continued health. Then, and only then, should you look at the obsurd list that you created for yourself. RTV is a wonderful thing, but it wouldn’t be the first publication to go on hiatus and come back again some day (look at Green Egg!). Simplify, and remember to breathe. :-)

    (and now, you’ve gotten a taste of what I do, professionally, which is why I end up with clients who love me and depend upon me, or people who hire me once and decide that they absolutely hate me!)

    much, much love…

  4. You are such a motivated person. You push yourself so hard. That’s really admirable in my opinion. I don’t just mean the things you physically do but the inner work as well. I’m glad to hear that you have decided to take a little break from the magazine for some “you” time. It sounds like you really need it.

    It sucks that the magazine isn’t going as well as you’d hoped. Have you thought of making it a website with the same kinds of info but done less on a schedule? (If you know what I mean.)

  5. @Soli: Thanks, and you’re right, of course. I noticed just today that when I got stressed, I started feeling worse. I just can’t get around the fact that so many people are telling me to buck up and muscle through. I feel like a wimp. :P

    We really should talk on IM, you know?

  6. @Lily: I also do affiliate marketing and it is very frustrating. I found this picture that said “I do a lot of things very well. Unfortunately none of it makes any money.”

    Yup, there it is, exactly. And RTV has a bunch of affiliate programs that we take part in — a bunch, and for naught, so far. I seem very skilled at making no money doing things other people get paid for. lol

  7. @Lavana(h): Yes, I talked at length with Caliedo and Sarenth and decided to go on hiatus after the Yule issue, for an indeterminate time. I’m not going to put a time on it, because it may have to run longer than I anticipate. I’m tired of aiming for dates of completion and falling short. I need to get my shit together and get better organized.

    You’re a therapist? Counselor? What?

  8. @Aydira: I know a lot of people who’d disagree with you about that whole motivation thing. I think I spin my wheels way too much — even the time I do spend on things involves too much thought and not enough action, or too much attention to detail when I should focus first on the big picture.

    I already have a magick website with static content. Boring. :) I love the magazine; I just need to build a better mousetrap. We’ve got some sweet stuff coming up in the Yule issue, which is why I’m going ahead with that and going on hiatus after.

  9. I think you may be right. I’ll be around a lot more for the next week and a half (yay vacation!) then the last few days of it one of my cousins will be here from Sweden so I will be out more. Usually when I see you on you’re set as busy.

  10. I’m allowed to use the title ‘counselor’ here in the state of NJ. Therapist is reserved for those with graduate degrees. I’ve trained as a hypnotherapist, but mostly I practice as a personal fitness trainer and reiki healer (my training as a hypnotherapist came as part of my requirement for completing my reiki master program). A couple of continuing ed classes in life counseling, too. It all gets folded in together when I work with someone, though.

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