I Have Spent an Eternity in the Wind

In my youth, I was always moved by music and absorbed it like a sponge. That doesn’t happen automatically anymore, but sometimes something will catch my ear and I can tap into that part of me again, for a while. Barring that, there’s always Winamp and my old favorites. I can always tell when I’m unstable or working through something (depending on your perspective), because listening to music manipulates my emotions strongly. I know I’m really working through something when even feel-good music is melancholy. This is one of those times.

I’ve been playing internet tag with friends for days now, never timing my online periods effectively. I am actually feeling lonely, and this is a rare emotion for me that has reared its head inordinately often this autumn. I don’t mind it, but spending too much time inside my own head when I feel this way is potentially dangerous, and I’m only half joking. This would be an excellent time to test my newfound conviction not to lean too much on my friends, because these are the periods in which my dedication will be most vulnerable to slips. As luck (or kismet) would have it, none are around because most sane people are asleep. (People who work day jobs are allowed the insanity of early rising, but I don’t envy you.)

My sleep has been fuxx0red for about six weeks now, and that’s a long time even for me. I am in hyper-sensitive mode, and I can feel a part of me that a year ago would have been petulant and lashing out at any convenient target, but thank god the urge feels far away and unimportant. I am far more interested in digging at the sore spot, analyzing the underlying cause(s). I reached out for Meridjet a few moments ago and he is quite present, ready and attentive (bless him, it’s not a friendly time of day for him either, in some respects), but I’m not ready to go there yet. A longtime LJ friend who keeps telling me who she is, as if I’ve forgotten too many times – Ren, this would be – commented this morning or last night that my journal here is different without Meridjet. Here’s the quote: “Seems to diverge from the stated purpose, SC-related communication. I get that Meridjet is LOA, but it feels like it lacks new info, or old info reexamined.”

While I can’t fault her for pointing out that I’m not supplying a lot of information (or old, I guess) in my posts lately, I have to say that this blog is my personal journal as much as it is an information resource. And I’ve posted several on-topic posts in the past week or so, plus updated two permanent pages. It’s difficult not to take such a statement personally, but I did ask and I certainly don’t think Ren set out to hurt my feelings. Meridjet activity runs in cycles, even when he’s in contact with me on a basic level or within the context of our intimate relationship. Quick timeline:

  • I met Meridjet in June 1994.
  • He departed for his Abyss work in the late fall or early winter of 1995.
  • I left Seattle for Houston in April of 1996. Three years to the day later, in 1999, he returned to me.
  • We worked with a wildly fluctuating connection link for two years, 1999-2001.
  • He left just prior to 9/11, but warned me we’d “have to be apart for a while. (I naively thought he meant for a couple of weeks. Heh.)
  • He was mostly away, with the occasional visit for up to a day at a time, from August 2001 until June of 2003.
  • Full force return in June 2003, and no more fluctuating connection. The only time he was out of touch was when he intended to be, as opposed to circumstances beyond our control. (Previous period of fluctuation was mostly due to my psychic exhaustion every few days.)
  • We worked very intensely until March of 2007, when he had a fight with Jesi and asked to be released from the Work.
  • We had contact on a personal level but no Work until late October 2008 (last month). He’s moving into Work more gradually this time. Any breaks in contact seem directly due to my own lack of focus.

So we were approx 18 months on, 3.3 years off, 2.2 years on, 1.8 years off, 3.8 years on, and finally 1.5 years off. Clearly, the trend is continually in favor of longer Work periods and shorter breaks. Suits me just fine, and I guess it’ll suit those wishing to hear more from him, as well.

I feel very much like rambling here for a solid hour or more, but I am too tired to maintain a coherent thread, so I’ll end this by explaining the subject line. When I was 26, I took a sort of vision quest, a guided meditation while tripping my ass off, with the intent of showing me my “true name.” The inner spirit I encountered took the form of two owls, one barred owl and one Great Horned Owl. The name I received was “Eternity in the Wind.” In Latin, this translates to “aeternitas en animas” (I may have the suffices wrong; it’s been a while), which can also mean “Forever in the breath” or even “Eternal soul.” I like that. :) However, I’ve since come to believe that while this does indeed fit me very well, one’s true name is very unlikely to be translatable into English. lol.

I spoke to a tree once during a climb up a Georgia mountain path. I was in a very green period (environmentally and spiritually speaking), and I asked the tree’s permission to lean on it so I could rest. I then thanked the tree, and promised to stop on my way back down. My friend and I continued up the mountain and spent the afternoon at the top. (This was a “Little” mountain, but I forget the rest of the name of it.) It was dusk when we made our way back down, and I wasn’t thinking of that tree whatsoever. At one point I “heard” in my head, in one of my first experiences with clairaudience, someone yell, “Hey!” I stopped short, and turned around, and realized I’d passed the tree about 15 feet back. It had “yelled” at me because I’d forgotten to stop.

I went to the tree and put my hands on it, attempting to communicate with it. I could feel it trying to tell me its name, and I more or less understood, but there were no words or even describable concepts or metaphors that would express that name. No reason that humans should be any different. ;)

That tree story was a favorite to tell when I was getting my disability psych evaluation. LOL. It’s true, I believe it, and they definitely thought I was delusional.

Any way the wind blows… doesn’t really matter… to me…

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

Comments

  1. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings with what I said. I was tired when I answered that post and elaboration never occurred to me. What I think I meant was that I see this as both your personal space and a place to learn and, up until recently, the latter has been lacking. I don’t fault you for any of that, I know I’m not always as productive as I should be. Just letting you know what I think, as you did ask. :)

    Also, yay at friend status! :)

  2. @Ren: Don’t worry about it. The only reason it even occurred to me to whine about it was because of my mood, which was already down. I’m over it, but it didn’t affect me nearly as much as it would have even six months ago. So yay for progress, too. ;)

  3. “one’s true name is very unlikely to be translatable into English.”

    I feel this way too. It makes sense to me because I gave Jared his name and when I try to ask what his “real” name is I don’t get much. I guess giving him a name made things easier and he likes the one I picked. I think he thinks it sounds bad ass hahaha. :)

  4. Music always affects me strongly too. In fact the Spooky Guy that I wrote my book with was a musician during his lifetime. I, on the other hand, can’t even play the kazoo. It’s kind of ironic, because music for me is really where life is at.

    Lilys last blog post..It’s been HOW long?

  5. @Lily: Can you email me at sheta@rendingtheveil.com please? I would like to continue this conversation more privately. :)

    Thanks!

  6. @aydira: I like playing with poetic concepts for true names. Sometimes. :)

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