Part one of this series is here, and part two is here.

It’s been nearly a month since part 2 of this rambling series. So much has happened, but the main reason I haven’t continued until now is that I’ve been suffering from insomnia and sleep issues, which render me mentally foggy. I’m still foggy, but if I don’t write something soon I’ll never get back to it. As it is, I will likely find it difficult to segue flawlessly into the flow or tone from the previous posts. It’s possible that this post will veer off in a new direction before I come full circle and wrap it up. I hope you’re patient.

The Friend Parade — Jesi

I remember reading a few posts from Jesi on LiveJournal before we really knew each other. I don’t remember how she came to be on my friends list on that site, but I do remember these posts, because they were very sad. She was in college and suffering from depression, which undermined her ability to judge whether her path was appropriate for her. I was touched by her struggles with doubt, and left reassuring comments. She stuck in my mind… something about her energy.

Some indeterminate time later, we began to chat on IM. The way she described it to me much later, she tapped me a couple of different times without much effect – I tend to be busy and easily distracted, and I don’t really do small talk well, so unless the other person is asking questions or carrying the conversation, I get sucked into something else. Eventually, we started to chat with a much higher degree of interaction, and I’d place the beginning of our Working relationship (as in spiritual Work) around February of 2006. I know that by her birthday in late March, things were moving pretty briskly along and had grown intense.

From this point on in this narrative, it’s likely that my descriptions will shift from things I thought or observed then to things I’ve learned since (particularly about myself), as I seek to get all of the pieces of the puzzle into the proper niches, etc. This puzzle, as I said in part one, is by necessity limited to what I know, what I’ve seen, and what I understand, and therefore is quite liable to contain errors when I attempt to understand other people’s actions. If you ask the other involved parties, you’re probably going to get divergent opinions and observations, but that’s the nature of relationships. My quest is to grow, and therefore the experiences I relate apply to my understanding of myself and are not meant to ascribe blame on anyone else.

Jesi has a very sweet Internet persona. I use the word “persona” not to indicate that she set out to deceive me or make anything up, but to indicate that everyone has aspects of themselves that flow differently online than they do in person. While younger people may not understand how this works when they first start to relate in long-distance friendships or whatever, I have a history of moving home a lot, and long-distance relationships and their drawbacks and unintended traps are familiar to me. This, unfortunately, does not make me immune to their equally present charms.

On the Internet, Jesi was the epitome of supportive warmth. She had a way of always saying the right thing, to the point that I didn’t trust it at first. I told her about the past relationships with Shelia (et al) and how those had burned me, making it harder for me to open to the idea of an intimately close friend. She reassured me of the integrity of her interest, and over time, I opened more and more. This is how most friendships start for most people – a gradual building of trust, so I’m sure you all know just what I mean. Most of us have been through difficult fallings out, as well. Now I want to describe my focus, goals, and frame of mind at the time.

I was still intent on finding the perfect friend/partner-in-crime that I described in the previous posts, and I was still half-consciously taking auditions for that role. It’s a fitting analogy, since I would basically supply my requirements or hopes for the friendship in advance of any true bonding, just as I started to feel the potential for something special with this other person. After many years of exposure in the spirit companion online community (in general), people I meet tend to see me as an authority on the topic and most of them have a desire to learn more. They seek out contact with me with this in mind, to satisfy whatever needs they have with regard to either spirit contact, spiritual work, or some ineffable yearning for fulfillment. This is not a bad thing and I don’t intend to paint it that way. Nor do I intend to paint myself as the be-all, end-all authority on working with spirits. But things are what they are, and people do seek me out for these reasons.

I come from a long history of feeling like I never fit in anywhere, so when people started to seek me out online as someone they wanted to know, it was a nice feeling for me. I trusted that everyone who sought me out either stated their business up front, or – if they wanted friendship – intended to bond for the long term, working through problems that came up, and generally behaving as an active partner in a two-way, give-and-take dynamic. The first few times that this didn’t happen, I took it personally. People would fade away and into other things, and it often seemed to me that they left after they’d got what they wanted from me and no longer had any use for me. I think this is true in a few cases, but more importantly is how I reacted to these feelings. They say that when you develop a pattern of relationships, particularly the way they end and the manner in which you accept (or fail to accept) personal responsibility in those endings. They say, more to the point, that if you keep experiencing the same result in every friendship or romance, you need to look in the mirror for the answers as to why that pattern repeats itself.

I tried to understand my role, but I think that I needed a real-world example, something closer to home both figuratively and literally, to provide illumination in areas of confusion. It’s hard to understand what is happening to ruin your relationships when they’re so easily disposed of, and people online will just vanish from your life forever without so much as a by-your-leave if they are disenchanted. Real world friends have a harder time doing that, particularly when they live with you. Knowing Jesi in the real world provided me a whole treasure box of epiphanies I may have never found without her, and I owe her my gratitude for providing them, painful as they may have been.

Veering back to the events prior to her moving here… I know that Meridjet got involved by March 2006 at the latest. Jesi was campaigning hard for the role of BFF (and I don’t mean to fault her for that, because it was my idea of what a BFF was that was the problem), and I was having trust issues. She knew this, and worked with me on understanding her intentions. Meridjet got involved in Working with us, and around the time of her March 24 birthday, he led us through this weird Process that (as is typical) had a wallop for a final message. In a nutshell, he put the Process in her control without saying so, continually and subtly deferring to her suggestions and responses for about three days, until it led me into a crisis in which I came very close to leaving him. He knew where it was going and why, and he allowed it. When the crisis came to a head, he told her how it had happened. Jesi was devastated to realize she had played such an unconsciously active role in a Process that had, in the end, stomped on her biggest fear and insecurity – causing other people pain.

Meridjet put her through the wringer, and neither she nor I caught on until it was over because we were busy reacting emotionally to everything that happened. I was, as usual when I’m Working something difficult and painful, performing full-tilt-boogie temper tantrums and emoting to a level that humans aren’t meant to witness in other humans. (This is a fundamental “job requirement” for my BFFs: to bear witness to my Processing and Meridjet’s absolutely merciless manipulation of my emotions during the Work. It’s completely unfair to ever ask such a feat of anyone, but it’s been something I needed for a very long time. I’m working on that, but I have at least come to the realization that it’s wrong to do.) The clincher was the fact that we were on the Internet, and we could not see each other cry, sob, writhe in agony or anything else. We only had words, and full immersion into our own expression without the eyes of another person holding us back.

When the Process was over, Jesi bounced back with impressive speed, which was a feat I’d never witnessed before in someone Meridjet summarily beat the emotional crap out of (except for me, of course, but it’s different for me – I have access to his feelings and thoughts). To me, this ability to shake off the pain and keep on Working with trust intact was the herald of all things perfect and fated: Jesi must be the mythical third of the triad, the counterpart I’d been searching for. On the bright side, I didn’t collapse my entire self into the friendship as I had once done to my friends, but I did take heart that hope still lived, and I pursued the potential for all it was worth. It might’ve helped if I had thought harder on what I wanted that potential to be. I’d spent so many years seeking this other person that I never really looked past toward what I sought it for, other than some old visions that were supposed to magically manifest on their own once all the players had been chosen.

At some point in the midst of all this intense work, with Meridjet working deeply with her on various issues, past lives, fears, etc, he brought her a spirit companion. This was a spirit who was connected to her as Meridjet is connected to me, which shall remain undefined since everyone’s paradigm differs. But she received him, at any rate, and their relationship blossomed. Everything was going great.

Jesi came to visit that June, planning to stay a week. She ended up staying 12 days, every day she could squeeze out of her time off. We spent the evenings doing metaphysical work and beading jewelry, not spending much time online or with normal, everyday, routine stuff. For my part, there were a few warning signs that should have penetrated more deeply into my consciousness, habits she had that weren’t compatible with mine and which I dismissed as “guest nerves.” But the visit was fantastic, and she said she knew when she walked in the front door that she was home. We began to make plans for her to move here.

As she went back to finish her final quarter of college, we stayed up late most nights working online, and she missed a lot of school. My self-control when I’m focused on spiritual Work is not very good; I’ll sacrifice everything on the altar of personal growth. I didn’t always hear about it when she missed class, but I heard enough that I should have backed off and given her space. But I didn’t, and as the quarter drew to a close, she began to panic about not passing her classes. Meridjet was pressuring her to get down here, stat, and all the while warning us that her moving here could work out much differently than we anticipated if we allowed ourselves to get lost in the details of daily living at the expense of the Work. Fall quarter ended. She didn’t fare well in her grades, and had to register for Winter quarter. She began to suffer from depression because she didn’t want to be there anymore.

One of my worst faults that I’ve come to recognize since is the very pronounced tendency to dismiss problems as insignificant, trusting in some higher calling for this Uberspecial friendship to see us through the rough spots. I was always willing to make sacrifices, to compromise and dedicate my energy to the whole unit at the expense of my own personal bubble or benefit. I always assumed – in all my best friends – that this willingness was part of the package, and therefore the other person would share it. That is never true, and it’s been very difficult for me to admit to myself that I have the problem, not them. It’s unhealthy to a) collapse your sense of individuality in an effort to bond with someone, b) collapse your boundaries in efforts to be accepted or loved, c) expect other people to throw away the score cards if you do it first. When I enter into these ideological friendships, I rush to prove my dedication by adopting a “what’s mine is yours” generosity. Jesi commented on this generosity in her LJ after her visit here, much to my pride.

This tendency was (is, to some degree, still) part of my personal mythology, and had nothing to do with reality. I spend lavish amounts of money on my friends. I give time and emotional support until I’m exhausted and suffering and need to decline, but refuse to let my friends down. I give loans and then tell them never mind paying me back. Repeatedly. And when these actions are not reciprocated with equal enthusiasm, I become disillusioned and throw up walls to protect myself from what I perceive as betrayal. There were many times early on after she moved here that I loaned her money and dismissed the payback, up to $200 at a time and on more than one occasion. I believed I wasn’t keeping score, but that was a lie I told myself. I expected gratitude, dedication, equal generosity if the tables turned and I was the one in need, etc. When later she lended money to me, and then expected repayment down to the last cent, I was hurt and confused. I started building walls.

One of the fights we had while she was preparing to move out was over who owed whom money. I’m sure we still disagree on the details of this, but that’s immaterial anymore. The fights, though, were my first clue that I needed to take a look at my expectations and my motives for this “mindbending” generosity that I used to convince myself that I was special. Later, the realizations cascaded when I started to consider the emotional expectations, as well. And one of the key causes for which I’ve lost so many friends over the years is this initial lack of boundaries followed by a big wall being thrown up.

Consider. If you met someone who was willing, even eager, to provide for your needs, you might find it delightful. If you are a certain type of person, you might find it easy to use to your own advantage. Or you may develop a lack of respect for that someone, based on their obsequious behavior. It’s like the world’s most obnoxious puppy dog wanting you to pet it more more more. Then, if you’re not equally enthusiastic about collapsing your boundaries for the other person’s benefit, imagine if they started demanding you measure up to a standard you don’t even know and are supposed to somehow intuit, and if you declined or stumbled in your comparatively healthy responses, they shut you out and question your loyalty. Wow, what a nightmare of psychology. Welcome! You are the star in my inner movie! Shape up and start finding your motivation!

Am I mortified to be sharing this? Yes, but the blog is where I process stuff, and if I have to indulge the still-present urge to confess (another issue I’m trying to understand and adjust to more healthy levels), it might as well be to an unknown quantity than to a single friend who would be expected to cater to my emotional needs. I don’t expect anyone to comment, and if you do comment, I don’t expect it to fit any particular format or tone. Thank god. lol.

Have I been exhibiting co-dependent behavior? Oh fuck yes. I think my post on co-dependence a few months ago was an exercise in sly self-deception – I don’t fit the definition I provided in that post, but I do fit the other side of that definition. I don’t enable someone’s dependence on me so much as I seek out other people to enable mine on them. Do I want to change? I am changing. I need to change. I can’t in good conscience continue to hurt people I care about, and honestly I don’t want to be that person anymore.

People have commented on the changes wrought in me this year, people who are in position to recognize them. I keep surprising myself, and circling the changes cautiously, as if using them too cavalierly will result in their collapse. When I respond to a situation emotionally, I keep expecting super strong reactions, but am genuinely surprised when I am able to both respond and feel at more healthy levels. Deeply ingrained habits and beliefs are changing, transforming in profound ways, and it’s just wonderful. I feel a great deal of gratitude for these changes, and a small, fearful excitement, a gleeful embrace and a wary nurturing of these new developments. I have such a long, long way to go, but I can truly see the changes and I have never in my life felt more aware of my commitment to that internal integrity, the authenticity that defines not only who I am but who I want to be. I can make it, and I know that now.

This is not the final part of this series. There has to be one more, because I still have to express my thanks for and to those who have helped me through, and those who continue to help me. If you’ve read this far, I hope you won’t hold these issues against me too much. This is a journey I have fallen in love with all over again, and I intend to relish every bit of it.

7 Responses to “Retrospective/Personal Philosophy Series, part 3”

1. Ren says:

   21 November 2008 at 11:54 pm

   Anyone would find that daunting. I know though that I have done similarly bad things to others myself. I expect them to make plans and to stick to them.

   I’m most in need of someone who can journey with me as discover who I am on my “metaphysical” (for lack of a better term) quest. Sadly, in Missouri, most people are Xians and don’t go in for New Age things, makes me rather stuck in development. Not that I want you to be that person, that’s not why I’m writing this. It’s frustrating, but it is what it is and I’m used to being the “odd one out”. You’re not alone. Thank you, this means more than anything, really.

   (PS I miss my silhouette icon lady with the long hair. She was pretty. No pressure though.)

   Reply
2. sheta says:

   22 November 2008 at 12:06 am

   @Ren: lol did you change your email? I’ll add her back. Oddly enough, I just used that icon for Part 4, before I saw this comment.

   Jesi moved here from Missouri, NWMSU, as I recall. She’s originally from Iowa.

   I’m always willing to talk if you need to bounce thoughts & ideas off of someone.

   Reply
3. sheta says:

   22 November 2008 at 12:10 am

   @Ren: There. All better.

   Reply
4. Ren says:

   22 November 2008 at 12:25 am

   mme.femme at gmail, I may have.

   Cool! Thanks for the icon fix.

   I’m working on an article for Rending, it’s not done, nor, do I think, it will make sense in its’ current state. If you want it, I’ll email what I have.

   I’d have to have an idea, or a list and I don’t. I have questions as I go. Thanks for the offer, I shall remember it.

   Reply
5. sheta says:

   22 November 2008 at 1:30 am

   @Ren: Sure, send it if you want. What’s it about?

   Reply
6. Ren says:

   23 November 2008 at 12:22 am

   It’s about how I came to be attracted to the “metaphysical” (for lack of a better term). It’s about my first experience and experiences since. At least, that’s the aim. As it is, it’s just a start and needs fleshed out.

   Reply
7. sheta says:

   2 December 2008 at 8:21 pm

   @Ren: If I don’t get back to you on this article-in-progress by this coming weekend, hit me up. I have been really tired and so extra forgetful.

   Reply