Posted by sheta on 21 Jul 2008 8:26 PM | Categories: Contemplation, Ordeal work, Processing, Therapy |
Over recent months, as I seem to snowball in my ability to express things that should’ve long ago been expressed, my mother and I have had many long talks about various feelings. We’ve uncovered old wounds and redressed them in cleaner ways, allowing for healing. We’ve expressed gratitude and regret. We’ve shared a lot. I think we’re making progress – really healthy progress – but recent conversations leave me wondering if I am deluding myself and making it harder for her.
In my past depressions, there have been times when I expressed too much and made her distinctly uncomfortable. I always thought (in retrospect) that it was due to my inarticulateness, but due to these recent conversations I can’t help but wonder if I just plain said too much. I have been accused of lecturing by other people I thought I was expressing to openly, even when I am trying to express something I feel is positive. It worries me, because I don’t want to fuck this up.
She also told me I was weak. It wasn’t an accusation but was mentioned in passing as a circumstance. I was hurt by that, and I feel that she does not understand what goes on within me or in what ways I may be strong. It was also a shock, because I am constantly told by my friends that I am strong, that they can’t believe how strong I am and that they couldn’t handle this or that in my life or my relationship with Meridjet. My mother doesn’t have the inside scoop on that relationship, though she is aware of it. I wish I could share it, but she would see any ordeal work that we do as unnecessary and brought upon myself for no good reason.
Evidently, the remark bothered me more than I thought. At the time, I did say, “I’m strong in other ways,” but I truly don’t think she believes that. My therapist will no doubt tell me not to let my self-image rely on her point of view, but it’s hard.
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Yin-yang. A weakness you may have complements a strength you possess, and helps you be a whole person.
It is a weakness of mothers to view their children through the filter of motherhood, colored by the experiences shared while both matured, each in her own role.
Also, some mothers, like mine, suck in the “constructive criticism” department, and only manage the “criticism” part with any faithfulness.
She can call you weak, but you were strong enough not to punch her in the butt.
@Cally: I never really thought of it that way (yin-yang), surprisingly. And that’s true about mothers - I do the same thing.