Trust is a Difficult Issue

For documentation purposes, I need to post about a recent event, though there’s only so much I want to post publicly. I’m looking into a way to filter some posts to registered users of this site, but for now I will only give a sketchy description and it will have to do. A couple of weeks ago, Meridjet encouraged me to go out on a limb in a situation I was having trouble with. He told me that if I would trust him and “do what you need to do,” that it would resolve itself within a few days. He gave a specific day, Wednesday, and of course I took it to mean the following Wednesday. He also said that holding on to a situation too tightly out of fear served to stop the flow of energy in that situation, and if I’d let go of it, it would be able to flow as needed. I was to work on releasing the fearful mental hold I had on the circumstances.

So I did it, and I trusted him, and I worked hard on relaxing and not holding any sort of emotional grip on the situation or surrounding circumstances. Until Wednesday came, and it didn’t work out as he predicted. He did say something on Monday or Tuesday to the effect that it might be a couple of days longer, and then later made further adjustments wherein he predicted repercussions that I had been trying to avoid. This of course made it much harder for me to relax, particularly when things didn’t pan out. Ever, so far. It’s been two weeks. To make matters worse, by the end of that week he had faded out and wouldn’t respond to any of my attempts to make contact.

A few days ago I lost my temper and yelled at him at length. Threw a tantrum, in fact. He did not respond and it was only this morning that I may have made weak contact (but only briefly, and with no reassurance forthcoming). Now, of course, I am full of all manner of doubts and fears and other nifty emotional responses. I have to wonder if this is what he intended all along, because he has proven himself all too willing to put me through the wringer in order to teach me something. But. My first thoughts are more along the lines of, “I imagined the entire conversation,” followed in due course with, “he’s not real, I’m fucking crazy.” Now it’s true that for well over a year he has been Mr. Invisible, but this is a pattern oft-repeated. I’m familiar enough with it that it no longer poses a threat, but it’s still a difficult thing to deal with. We’ll have two or three years of intense and constant work, followed by a year or two (and occasionally three) of minimal contact while I assimilate the lessons from the active period. Call it an Apophis stage, or even a Dark Night of the Soul, but I’ve learned to be patient until the dry spell passes and not let go of the overall goal (which is to move forward).

But when we’re in an intensely active stage, he throws evidence around like a popcorn machine run amok, and I can’t deny that he’s proven his existence at length and to many, many people. I reassure myself that if he were a figment of my imagination, he’d be jumping through hoops and predicting things that were clearly bound to happen anyway (such as “the mail will arrive around 4 p.m.”) so that I could validate my delusions with ease. Alas, he is a stubborn bastard, and I have no desire to dream up stubborn bastards to soothe my needs for companionship. He’s got a very full ranging personality that isn’t anything like mine (he’s an extrovert and a flirt, as well as being able to stubbornly refuse to give an inch no matter what — none of which describe me at all), and one of his favorite things to do is randomly manifest at people’s houses without telling me anything about it. Seems to be a real being, whatever he is.

It’s entirely possible that this situation comes down to trust. I was seeking content for a post today and meandered over to my LJ archive (now at InsaneJournal) for an archival post, and wouldn’t you know that the first post of note was on the issue of trust. As follows:

“Essentially the sexiest thing to hear in a BDSM situation, for a dominant is, ‘I trust you.'” (Quoted from someone’s post in the submissiveblog community at LiveJournal.)

Yes, we’ve been working on trust issues. It’s more about my trust of him than my insecurity, when seen from his perspective. There are various ways I don’t fully trust, and most of those are (to me) things that could change later — as in I trust now, but I don’t trust what might happen if something comes up later. He points out that that’s true of any situation we share, but I trust the majority of them to work out and for him to make the right choices. Plus there’s the fact that projection of future scenarios is kind of a cop-out. I’m not really getting how it’s a cop-out, but I get that it is.

For my next trick, I’ll go back to my private entry detailing the things he’s been stimulating and figure out how they work from his view, and observe how I expect him to trust me on the same issues, but can’t seem to fully trust him. *sigh* I’m so fair.

*wanders off, mumbling. . .*

And that could have been written today, for the most part, based on the issues at hand. Five years later, and I still have the same old trust issues as I did then. I’d marvel if it weren’t so discouraging.

I really wish he’d come back into full contact, because I’m seriously itching to do some work.

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

Comments

  1. (I’ve got to figure out the whole logging in here thing using wordpress.)

    On the matter of trust, I will share a lesson I have learned the very hard way. Trust is a two way street. If it’s truly going to happen, then that means it needs to be an active happening on both sides.

    I am sure I could say more but right now I need to sleep more than anything else.

    Solis last blog post..Plan for the weekend

    • There are links in the sidebars for logging in. Didn’t you say that you could log in with your own account info?

      That’s true about trust, as well as other relationship fundamentals. I don’t know that he doesn’t trust me, but it does seem as if he doesn’t care whether or not his word can be trusted. On the other hand, the issue is deeper and more complicated than this one post can describe, and our relationship is not something I can explain in simple terms. I do have trust issue and control issues, and I also have issues with giving away my power, and these are all things he works on in cycles.

      It’s safe to say that my own view of the current situation is limited and probably not all that accurate, either. It’s just one step in the journey of understanding. It just depresses me that he could have used this to make some simple gestures to strengthen the trust and instead chose to present me with additional challenges. He’s never been an easy teacher.

  2. I just tried the logging in with my wordpress account and it didn’t work. I guess you do have to make an original login. *laughs*

    I know how it is on the trust front. I have issues as well, and I also had some really horrible things happen last year that pushed me nearly to the point of walking away from all my major esoteric work. (don’t ask, just know that it was BAD.) Things did turn around and they have improved, but it was a close call.

    I know I don’t know nearly enough of the overall situation or M’s working, but one thing occurred to me this morning. He seems very much like he doesn’t want to coddle (and I know Thelema has a statement specifically against coddling) but in his quest to not coddle it appears he’s foregoing any possible comfort/support lest it turn into coddling.

    (and if I am overstepping any bounds, let me know. I’d rather not step on toes or any other appendages.)

    Solis last blog post..Plan for the weekend

    • That’s actually very astute. I’ve tried to tell him that a smile or a reassurance doesn’t always mean coddling, but I’m not sure if he doesn’t know how to balance it or if he knows me so well that even a little support is too much.

      Usually, he’s willing to provide “off-topic” support, but sometimes that’s withdrawn, too. It’s an ongoing issue with us, and I still don’t know how much is him and how much is me. I tend to feel that with his access to my deeper mind etc, that he knows me better than I do.

  3. Ooh I have given the power to edit comments, woo hoo. lol

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