Gushy, Whiny, Embarrassing Mess

This is one of many formerly private letters I wrote to Meridjet over the years. Don’t read it if you’re easily discomfited by gushing or whining or anything overly emotional, because this makes even me cringe and hide my head under a pillow. :-P

This letter is from an archival post dated 13 October 2003. You might’ve read in an earlier post how he told me not to say, “I love you,” without feeling it; he didn’t want it to be automatic.

“Dear Meridjet,

“I feel a mingled mass of confusing feelings, ranging from guilt to love to regret to fear. I know it’s a Process and that this is probably exactly what you want to happen, but with the pretty much total lack of feedback that I’m getting, it’s really hard to know that on any kind of secure level. I’m scared that I’m not doing a good job. I keep [emo-type] aching then feeling nothing for a while, then I’m worrying, then back to aching. Etc. Aching hurts, and sometimes I hate it, but it is preferable to feeling nothing. It’s some degree of open, maybe. I do love you, intensely. I want to be with you. And I feel horrible about some of the grumpy thoughts that pass through my mind. I also feel horrible about my fantasies and wanting you to fulfill them, but picturing the characters I pictured during the reading of the original story (in the case of all this porn exposure lately). I don’t know what the problem is, but I’m not happy with myself at all. And I’m very sorry (in spite of the grumpy voice).

“I really wish we could talk. I miss you so much. *ache* I’m sure you know all this all too well.

“I’m sorry I’ve been interrupted (and allowed it) while writing this. I have a feeling it all works out the way you want it to, anyway. (Am I bonkers for thinking you could direct every little detail of my life, if necessary? lol)

“… Okay well, everyone’s gone. I hurt a lot, as I’m sure you know. It’s pretty intense. I really wish you would talk to me, I need you so much. Not just as my teacher but as my friend and partner. I’m sorry it hurts you to do this, and I know it does. Please talk to me. It will help us both feel better. I love you.

“I think I suck at doing this work. I never seem to reach any a-ha! moments or any clarity, nothing that would indicate honest progress. Just pain, or blankness. I miss you, and yet I get out of bed and all I want to do is snarl when I think of you. What the fuck is up with that? I don’t feel that way about you. I have all these reactions that are not who I really am. All this crap, I know you want to help me get rid of it. The self-loathing and guilt and insensitivity toward you, the selfishness and oblivion that I walk around in. I don’t know how it can be done… it never seems to go away. I look back at years ago and we were doing this same work. Is this somehow the next layer of crap, or are we actually still chipping away at the one thing over and over, getting nowhere? Am I really worth it for you? I don’t see how; I just don’t see how I offer you enough to make it worth it. You give me so much, and you work so hard for me. And I’m just a fucking mess.

“I really want to try to do better, but I’m not sure how to do that. All of these things we ‘work’ on, they are involuntary and reactionary. They say a lot about who I am underneath, and it’s not a pretty sight. I hope that who I really am is some purer thing that is hidden by this shit, but I don’t really know if that’s true or not. I admire you, your strength and your generosity, and your dedication. I wish I could be for you at least a fraction of what you are for me.

“I feel kinda scoured out (having cried), not completely but somewhat. I still have some small aching. I do want to see you, and be close to you, if you can. Please. It feels like forever since we were close. Sex is nice, you know, but it’s getting steadily emptier. I don’t know why you’d bring that into our sex life after we just worked so hard to make it good and successful and a solid contribution to your strength and our connection. I don’t want to risk that, but I don’t know that it’s a good thing to just fall into carnal mode when we are not communicating on a basic level with each other. Maybe I’ve really fucked up the last couple of times I let that happen. Accepting your rote-sounding reassurances and jumping right into sex, pretty shallow of me, wasn’t it? I must really disappoint you at times.

“I will try to talk with you in bed. I am really, really scared that you won’t. I really need you, M. Please try to be open to being close to me, if you can.

“I love you.


I guess it could have been worse. I think I’m making a big effort to be open here; I hope it shows without being too overpowering. I’d hate to chase any guys away. A friend of mine has already teased me about the pink site looking like a dating site. Pink is really not my color, but the layout was just what this site needed. And who cares if guys are looking at dating sites, right? ;-)

This is probably my last post of the morning. I actually was interrupted: my Firefox started crashing, and I spent the last three hours or so trying to fix it. So you get less content than I intended. For now. I should be back later tonight. Y’all have a good day!

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

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