Archives: Processing and Pain

I noticed yesterday that my posts with cuts (or at least the most recent one) seem to hit the RSS feed without a link, so goody for you folks reading the feed, I guess. But I am still using a cut tag here, because it allows me to pretend there’s something like security on this post, which in turn allows me to lower the overall embarrassment effect when I think of people seeing this. :D

This post is also from 12 October 2003, and was titled “Details of shit being Processed,” in my ever-creative, descriptive way. It’s a bullet list –

No particular order, yet anyway.

  • Feeling like Meridjet is annoyed with me.
  • Meridjet being ‘bored’ during sex when I wanted to do roleplay repeatedly the other morning. (Note for posterity: I had six orgasms.)
  • Meridjet has been distant lately during sex. (This is big scary to me.) Though some or all of this could be me being closed.
  • Me being closed, or not open enough.
  • Guilt about reading/looking at porn.
  • Guilt about being aroused by porn and wanting him to play those roles, in which I don’t really envision him often enough. As if he’s the convenient dick.
  • Basic self-judgment about kink desires.
  • Guilt regarding, and trying to understand why I like to be dominated/hit.
  • Trying to understand why he likes to hit me. (His showing me his view helped.)
  • He didn’t back me up when I argued with Don. And he didn’t write Don either, in fact hasn’t written since Wed or Thu.
  • He’s been saying things like, “You’re annoying, I might just have to leave.” and stuff, then telling me he would never do that. And telling other people he’s just working when he says that stuff.
  • Being generally selfish, not giving enough, not seeing to his needs, etc.
  • He asked me not to say, “I love you,” unless I was feeling it. Later I realized that saying it helps me open.
  • CHAT EXCERPT

    friend: *thinks* Manipulation wise. Hurm. Okay. What I’ve got: He needs a closer connection to work you through things effectively. If you’re closing off because of guilt, he might not be able to do that the way he needs to. He needs you to work through it, and simply saying so may not, in his opinion, be effective enough, quick enough, so he’s put you in a position where worry about him distancing from you will make you more inclined to focus and work through.

    shetakaey: Ok, he’s pleased that I’m talking to you.

  • Feeling weird choosing things like the scenario, and realizing it’s always been that way, and if it has, how is he dominant?
  • Lately, he hasn’t been dominating. He’s just been distant.
  • Aching, ow.
  • Him being quiet all day, unless I really push, then only saying a few sentences that are obviously for the Process. At night, sex with no emotional contact, followed by long, hard sleeps.
  • CHAT EXCERPT:

    shetakaey: Cuz he’s all kissy, then when I say I need his help to do this he says, “you never needed me before,” (wrong) and then kisses my forehead and says, “I love you, don’t ever forget that.” heh. *boggle*… … he’s even talking about leaving, in this, “well, if you don’t want to leave me any choice,” voice, that’s so obviously not serious. … now, he says he’s not gonna leave me, and if I believe that he is, he’s got a bridge for sale.

  • General silence

There were a couple of other points in the list that I don’t feel comfortable including. I’ll be adding a few more archival posts, barring interruptions.

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

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