Another archival post. Between reading this post and updating the site over the last couple of days with regard to tags and categories, I’m firmly reminded that I still have yet to write the detailed post on doubt I promised a while back. I should probably get a notebook to keep a list of intended subject matter, but right now I have so many lists that I can’t find one for the 80 others piled haphazardly on top of it. To say I need to get better organized is something of an understatement, but there is progress on that front already. This week, alas, has been a sort of bubble of nightmarish worries overtaking regular activity, but if you ignore the last four days, things are moving smoothly along on the road to “much better.” I just find it difficult to feel I am not failing when I consider the last four days’ worth of frustration. But on with the post in question.
There’s a little bit of sexual TMI to lead this off. I was concerned that day with guilt feelings stemming from masturbating when I had a perfectly willing partner right beside me (Meridjet, of course). In retrospect, it’s likely that the act itself was an effort to punish myself and inspire those very guilt feelings. This post is from 4 October 2003.
When we went to bed last night, he proceeded to explain to me that the masturbation situation is a non-issue to him. He is not disturbed either by the imagery or by the fact that I ignored him. His primary concern in regards to this situation is my self-loathing.
We didn’t do a lot of talking after that, which surprised me. He has yet to address my specific fears that were dredged up in the course of chat with Don last night. They are insecurities about losing him, either when my sexuality wanes or when his ex dies. He is disgruntled at my lack of faith and trust (these being somewhat different). Though honestly, I believe him now, I just also feel that he could change his mind later, you know? When circumstances change. I’m tired of losing him to circumstances; it’s not like my faith hasn’t been put through the wringer. And yes, he’s always come back and he’s never left because he wanted to (that I know of). Ironically in that case, I don’t fear losing him because he has to do something. I just fear him making the choice to leave me. He is aware of all of this, and yet hasn’t discussed it. He threw a few things out at Don last night. One thing he said, “She has never known anyone who didn’t at some point succumb to temptation despite their good intentions.”
I have felt a lot of fear of things spiraling badly since I’ve had a reduced interest in any scene the last few days. I have felt a lot of shame at treating him badly, both in ignoring him the other night, and in the involuntary negative thoughts about him that come up. I also “hear” negative things back at me. He and Don both say this is Negs (either independent Negs or as pseudo-independent parts of my psyche). So. What we have in essence is a couple of situations that he dismisses out of hand (which, it should be noted, is really strange), that in turn uncovered a bunch of crap which boil down to my not believing him when he says he loves me THIS much and not trusting him to keep his word. This says that either A.) the last few days were actually set up to uncover this stuff so it could be worked on, or B.) that, plus some other work being done with the odd dismissal thing.
He told me to go to sleep last night, when I was still hoping for clarity and communication. I slept from 5 a.m. on, and woke up every little while to turn over (as usual). Each time I woke up, I was still working on this shit in my mind. Obviously work was being done in dreamtime, subconsciously. I’m glad on one hand, and pissed off on the other, cuz I want to know and feel the understanding on a conscious level. I’m relieved I have not been summarily dismissed, but I want to feel closure, not just have it fade back.
He’s quiet so far, beyond, “Trust me on this.” Standard rhetoric, but yeah, I get the point. . . *grumble*
I’m still hopeful for more later. Oh and, obviously, no sex last night either. It would have been kind of hilarious if there had been, considering the circumstances.