Seeking Answers: Navel Gazing

Last night was a huge turning point. I can’t talk about as many details as I would like, at least not yet, because it is not all my story to tell. But these things did happen:

I was doing another card reading at the online Osho Zen Tarot generator, which is amazing and fantastic as well as being great for when I don’t want to get out an actual deck. This deck (and its generator) pulls no punches, and the card I pulled confused me because it was full of hope when I was not. So I went into the bedroom and got the actual deck, and invited my roommate to join me. She tossed out a spread and read the first two cards, which were so fucking intense I made her stop. The cards were taunting me, calling me a chickenshit for not facing my issues in spite of my discomfort with her there, so I said fuck it and tentatively began to explain what the situation was, for me.

This led to a semi-heated exchange with each of us bringing up issues we found intolerable or difficult in the other, until I finally had taken more hits than I felt I could stand, and I told her she should find a new place to live because I felt that we were doing each other more harm than good. She responded with a curt, “I’ll be out by the end of May,” and then we managed to pull ourselves together and have a more civil discussion. I learned some important things about her that gave me a whole new perspective on her behavior in recent months, as well as many other things that I’d completely misread due to my ignorance of one basic truth that she finally shared with me. (That’s the part that’s not for me to tell.)

So in three months, she’ll be gone to live in New York with new friends, and it’ll just be my daughter and me here, again. Jesi met a whole group of people she is very fond of, and that gives her something she never had here: a sense of belonging. She moved here to be close to me, but as it turned out, we didn’t do so well living in the same house, and the lack of privacy (even at my desk) inadvertently sabotaged my relationship with Meridjet. (Here, Jesi and I share a bedroom — not a bed — and yeah, I know how stupid that was, but hey, it sounded like a good idea at the time. Shaddup.) His immediacy while she was on vacation just underscored this fact, and I was trying to avoid looking at it.

But to the point: I did another reading of the Osho Zen tarot, and then I tried the other generator at the Osho site: the Transformation Tarot. One of the cards I pulled was Anger, and it included a quote I felt was very worth sharing with you:

Even while anger is happening, if you suddenly become conscious, it drops. Try it! Just in the middle, when you are very hot and would like to murder — suddenly become aware, and you will feel something has changed: a gear inside, you can feel the click, your inner being has relaxed.

It may take time for your outer layer to relax, but the inner being has already relaxed. The cooperation has broken. . . now you are not identified. The body will take a little time to cool down, but deep at the center everything is cool.

Awareness is needed, not condemnation — and through awareness transformation happens spontaneously. If you become aware of your anger, understanding penetrates. Just watching, with no judgment, not saying good, not saying bad, just watching in your inner sky. There is lightning, anger, you feel hot, the whole nervous system shaking and quaking, and you feel a tremor all over the body — a beautiful moment, because when energy functions you can watch it easily; when it is not functioning you cannot watch.

Close your eyes and meditate on it. Don’t fight, just look at what is happening — the whole sky filled with electricity, so much lightning, so much beauty — just lie down on the ground and look at the sky and watch. Then do the same inside. Somebody has insulted you, somebody has laughed at you, somebody has said this or that. . . many clouds, dark clouds in the inner sky and much lightning. Watch!

It is a beautiful scene — terrible also, because you don’t understand. It is mysterious, and if mystery is not understood it becomes terrible, you are afraid of it. And whenever a mystery is understood, it becomes a grace, a gift, because now you have the keys — and with keys you are the master.

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

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