My Train Has Jumped the Tracks

My Train Has Jumped the Tracks

(This is crossposted from a semi-private journal, which is what the first two lines below refer to.)

I haven’t posted in this journal much, so far. Usually when I post here, it’s with deep thought type stuff or really involved memories. This is pure depression with a lot of confusion mixed in.

As some of you probably know, last weekend there were worldwide protests against Scientology. Scientology is something I’ve been familiar with in one way or another for as long as I can remember. I took their stupid “personality test” in Seattle in 1994 or 1995. I declined further involvement and smelled “cult” right away. When I moved here, they found me, and I still get mail from them. I got a card about a week ago. They all go straight into the trash. But here’s the thing. Evidently, I got caught up in the tidal wave or something, because I found myself on xenu.net, reading. I read for days. I found this page called How to Believe in Scientology, which describes how they con people into buying into their ridiculous paradigm of an ancient alien dictator and possession by evil alien spirits and so on. (In fact, I still have one browser tab on the site. Something won’t let me move on yet.) The page is a belittling and snarky (and clearly biased, of course) look at the way they gradually induct you into believing increasingly unlikely scenarios, then snare you into holding to them by the fact that you’ve paid so much for the “privilege” of learning this crap.

Several things on the page hit home for me. I talked to a good friend of mine about it at length earlier tonight. He pointed out that just because I felt like my situation bore some resemblance to what is described on the page does not mean I should throw the baby out with the bathwater. But it’s planted doubts about my objectivity in recent years, and when you add that on top of the fact that I’ve been unmedicated for a few weeks (til about a week ago) and don’t feel at all emotionally stable, I am not sure I am capable of working through this.

Compared to usual, Meridjet has been really distant since Jesi (my roommate) moved in. When she went to New York on vacation, he came in really strong after a couple of days, and stayed strong until a couple of days before she got home, when I was focused on cleaning etc. This distance could be caused by anything from my distraction to a new-ish routine that I can’t seem to transcend (two sides of one coin) to resentment on his part, or it could trace back to a conflict between them from 8 or 9 months ago. I really don’t know. But this is item #3 that is weighing on me.

Item number 4 is a potentially very serious health issue that I need to have addressed soon, but I can’t be seen until March 3. It has me wanting to get my shit squared away and tie up loose ends, just in case.

All in all. . . I’m overwhelmed and have no way to work on this stuff. Again. And I feel derailed, adrift, out of sorts, name your analogy.

That’s all.

Sheta Kaey About Sheta Kaey

I teach people to perceive, communicate, and work with spirits. Beyond that, I'm kinda normal.

Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I edit things. Sometimes, people even see them.

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