Today’s look at the old, locked archives brings us a short post from the midst of doubt:
“August 15, 2003 — I still haven’t had any contact. Yesterday I was having a fat day. I felt really fat all day. lol Today I’m having a crazy day. I feel like I’ve lost my mind, and he is a figment of my imagination. Never mind the numerous little ‘proofs’ I’ve had; those lose their effect in time. I also know that if it were all in my head, there wouldn’t be all these damn breaks in contact. . . But, none of this matters in the face of doubt. New contact needed, preferably with something unexpected so that I can feel all validated and safe again. heh.”
Doubt is its own particular kind of hell. I thought I’d talked about it in an essay on Rending the Veil, but nope, can’t find anything. I even checked my pages on Living with Magick, and still can’t find anything. It’s really hard to believe that I never wrote about it there. Clearly, such an essay is overdue.
The next week is likely to see me focused primarily on cleaning and organizing my house while my roommate is out of town, but I will try to get at least a decent post on doubt done this week if I can. I’m far too tired to tackle it tonight.
I was at my brother’s apartment for several hours this evening. We have never been super close to the point that we confided in each other, though we were always there for each other on every other level, so much so that it took me years to realize that he really didn’t see me as someone he felt comfortable talking to on any deep subjects or personal issues. In the last couple of months, though, our relationship has taken a new turn. We’re both in our 40s, and maybe that has something to do with it. . . I don’t know. But after Christmas, I went to his house to help him get his computer running better, and I think my knowledge level kind of shocked him. He started talking to me about things on the phone, and it was such a sweet, unexpected thing that it really took me off guard. I have been very happy about it, and I hope it continues. Tonight, I almost brought him to this website, but in the end I chickened out. Once, nearly 15 years ago, I told him about Meridjet and he rather balked at the announcement. I mean, he knew I was weird, but this was too much for him to take. After his reaction, I never mentioned the situation again in his presence until a few months ago, when I was talking to his partner about general spirit stuff. Even then, I didn’t really elaborate on how I knew any of this and my brother didn’t ask any questions (he only caught part of the discussion). I’m not sure if he made the connection or not. I’m not even sure if he remembers that day 15 years ago.
Hopefully, in time I can bring him here and show him this, without jeopardizing our new-found confidence in each other.