As I adjust to the idea of a new public blog, the question arises — as it always does — as to what level of exposure I really want. In the past, public journals have been both blessing and curse, leading to new friends and great experiences as well as fresh betrayals and abusive psycho stalker types. Yet even though the urge to hide or withdraw from scrutiny can sometimes be strong, one of the truly defining characteristics of the “real Sheta” has always been the open sharing of sometimes deeply personal content. I let my mistakes shine forth as brightly as my triumphs, and my pain lay exposed as nakedly as my joy. Sharing these depths is both compulsive and passionate, because I really need to do this not only for those seeking to understand their own spirit companion situations, but also for me. I have never done superficial particularly well, and I really don’t want to give up what moves me for the ability to make great small talk.
My journey with my spirit companion, Meridjet, to date, has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, reaching blissful heights I had never imagined were possible, and putting me through the wringer on repeated occasions. I’m not one to shirk a tough job, particularly an emotional one; I seem to excel at crisis management on that level. But it can be a lonely trip, since not many people actively seek out personal challenges that reach that deeply into the essence of their being, and the ones who feel they do want it tend to eventually end up realizing that no, they really don’t. It’s this sort of about-face that’s created the majority of true difficulty for me.
While I may do a great job detaching from my feelings and analyzing them in detail (it’s that Virgo moon/ascendant, I guess), I have a deep-seated need for some sort of partner or companion (human, in this instance) whom I can trust to weather the situation with me. Fair weather friends don’t last long, and I think it’s safe to say that the caliber of emotional ordeal work that Meridjet and I engage in can overwhelm even those who consider themselves “stormy weather friends.” Over time, it’s become increasingly difficult to open up to a new and gung-ho friend who is chomping at the bit to Work with us, due to so many previous Work partners giving in to intimidation and battle fatigue. I don’t want this reluctance to attach to new people to cause problems with my personal expression in my journal. . . no matter how public it is.
I will therefore be striving to confess often and deeply as my relationship with Meridjet continues. 2007 was a year that saw issues I never expected to see with him, and we almost split up at one point. I’m still processing the lot of it, but I’ve reached a tentative conclusion that many of my long-term assumptions were being deliberately upset in a manner that played directly into some of my deepest fears. This in itself is not surprising and even looks rather like, “duh,” but when you’re in the heat of it and you’re dealing with what appears to be the manifestation of precisely what you expected to see in a worst case scenario (and that expectation is well-ingrained), you tend to be blind to even the most obvious points. I thought he was purposely leading me down a path of self-destruction, and after the smoke cleared, I found out that I had survived it with far less damage than I thought possible. Again.
Cryptic, I know, but I do intend to get into more detail on the past year as this journal gains solid footing. I’ll post archival posts and chat logs (yeah, I know, but they’re really intense chat logs) that will reveal the situation from inception to whatever point we happen to be considering the “end” by then. And these past private or semi-private posts will also paint a clear picture of how we work in general. What may seem to be a self-contained Process (that’s what I call each segment of the Work) usually ends up being a link in a whole chain of realization, allowing several related lessons to compound over time into something that is more than the sum of its parts.
I hope I’ve succeeded in giving you an idea of what’s in store here. There will be humor and romance, of course, as well, but the meat of the relationship has always been the Work. The romance is the sweet part.
Please feel free to comment, always, at the site. I’d love to hear your feedback.